I recently experienced my first clogged milk duct. While I initially had a great number of difficulties with breastfeeding when my baby was a newborn, a clogged duct was not one of them. Thus having a clogged duct now, after so many uneventful months of established nursing, came as a bit of a painful and unexpected surprise in at least two ways – in that I was experiencing a clogged duct at all, and that I responded so poorly to this seemingly minor difficulty. That I was not expecting a clogged duct seems rather self-explanatory, but I feel my response to said clogged duct warrants further reflection.
I feel as though my response to having a clogged duct revealed that I have many spiritual “clogs”, or areas of sin in my life. But unlike a physical clogged milk duct, which is suddenly and painfully obvious, my spiritual “clogs” are much more insidious and may only become evident during moments of duress. As my husband can attest, my responses to the even small upset of having a clogged milk duct included feeling sorry for myself, attempting to control the situation by researching and trying various treatments, becoming angry when said treatments did not immediately work, thinking I “deserved” to get better because I was trying to be responsible in addressing the issue, even blame shifting when my baby did not immediately accommodate to the dangle feeding nursing position that many others had recommended as the best remedy. My husband lovingly pointed out to me that he was rather afraid to be around me that evening after baby went to bed, as I was so obviously irritable and he was uncertain as to what might set me off next. I feel it is worth noting he was not saying that I could not be unhappy or angry, but rather that he found it problematic how I was taking my sadness and anger out on others. I realize that in the scheme of life, a clogged milk duct is a very insignificant issue, which makes how quickly it revealed my sin all the more humbling and sobering.
For those of you who appreciate resolution, know that my clogged milk duct resolved rather suddenly and non-glamorously as I finally managed to coax my screaming baby into the dangling nursing position with his chin pointing towards the offending duct. But I’m afraid there is as of yet no true resolution to my “clog” of sin issues; while I am being much more loving and present and cheerful and kind and patient for the time being, it is relatively easy to act in these ways when nothing particularly stressful or challenging is occurring. I find it troubling that I can spend so much time researching and fretting over and attempting to treat and caring for a minor physical difficulty such as a clogged milk duct, but that I so often fail to be so devoted to “treating” my innumerable – and far more serious – ongoing spiritual “clogs”. I realize I cannot truly “treat” my spiritual self; it is only by the undeserved work of Christ’s atoning work on the cross that I can have confidence of someday being fully healed and restored in the fullest sense of these words; how I need his ongoing grace and the working of the Holy Spirit in my life to sustain me day by day on the ongoing process of progressive sanctification and growth. But I think often I do not take enough responsibility for seeking to “walk by the Spirit” (Galatians 5:16) or to “work out [my] salvation” (Philippians 2:12), something especially saddening when I think about how my “clogs” of sin affect not only me but those around me, including my baby and my husband. Not because these works are salvific or because they are a “cure” that I can bring about for myself, but because if I truly am in relationship with Jesus he will have an impact on how strive to live my day to day life.
Thus while I am thankful my clogged milk duct issue is currently resolved, I am even more grateful for how this is serving as an opportunity to make more apparent my unresolved “clogs” of sin; in this I am again convicted of my need for Jesus and the restoration I look forward to one day when he returns. Until then, by his grace I will try to be an active participant in my own ongoing sanctification, seeking after the LORD as intentionally as possible by reading the Bible regularly, praying, being a part of a community of fellow believers, and seeking to live in obedience to his ways. I know I will often fall short, but I am thankful for the grace I receive from the LORD and from others to continue on, and not just for myself, but also because I want to love others – including my husband and my baby – well.