I have been experiencing situations in life recently – including navigating my husband’s work transitions, progressing through pregnancy, contemplating impending labor, mourning the illness of an extended family member, journeying in my ongoing role of mothering – that continue to remind me that I have such a hard time letting go, especially letting go of control. It is so hard for me to let go of my emotions, to let go of my plans or efforts to bring about a certain outcome, to let go of people I love.
I think that my difficulty with letting go is closely linked to fear; if I am being honest with myself, I am afraid: Afraid of letting myself be vulnerable in truly feeling the depth of my emotions in all their messiness (and letting others see me feeling these emotions), afraid of acknowledging (and feeling the reality of) the heartache of not being able to ensure the earthly wellbeing of all those I love, afraid of things falling apart if I don’t actively hold them together, afraid of the choices loved ones will make if I don’t micromanage them, afraid of the unknown, afraid that I won’t be able to bear what I feel or experience if I let go. I am afraid of acknowledging my desperate fragility, my weakness, the uncertainty of this early life, and my utter inability to actually hold all things together. I’m afraid to be alone in what I feel and fear, and yet I also am afraid to let others into this experience.
There is a part of me that wants to always be in control, and yet deep down I realize that control is only an illusion – only God is truly in control. And while I know ultimately it is far better that he is in control, I feel so vulnerable when faced with the prospect of letting go. And my fear makes me want to cling all the more tightly to this illusion of control, even though doing so can often be isolating, exhausting, painful, soul-crushing, and ultimately futile.
I wonder if the only way to truly practice letting go of control is to trust – to practice trusting Jesus, loved ones, and even myself. Trusting feels so vulnerable and hard, and yet when those in whom I place my trust prove to indeed be trustworthy, I know it also can be so profoundly connecting, revitalizing, healing, life-giving, and hope-inducing.
I feel I need to daily be reminded of the gospel, including that ultimately the most trustworthy Someone in whom I can place my trust is Jesus. Jesus is perfectly faithful and trustworthy, and not only this – he actually is the source of all life and continues to hold all things together! Who better to trust in and simultaneously practice letting go with – or rather, handing over to – than Jesus? He actually can hold all things together, and will even someday make all things right, even if life includes experiences of pain. Surely it is far better that he is in control than I. And I hope that continually practicing placing my trust in Jesus will give me courage to continue to also practice trusting other loved ones instead of holding so tightly to my own individual experiences – which I suppose is a small testimony to Jesus’ supremacy and of the reconciliation and closeness of relationship that is made possible through him.
115 The Son is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. 16 For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him. 17 He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. 18 And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. 19 For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, 20 and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross.
Colossians 1:15-20 (NIV)