This week my baby – and I – had another big day: we went to the aquarium! This marked my baby’s first time at the aquarium, his second time in the city, and my first time taking him on such a large outing without the help of my husband. The idea for this day first came about when, several months ago, a dear friend of mine suggested we take our babies to the aquarium in the summer. The date was so far off, all I could think about was how much I imagined my baby would enjoy the aquarium, how fun it would be to get out in the summertime, and what a sweet way it would be to share time with my friend. But as the day got nearer and nearer, I found that while I was still looking forward to the day, I was also becoming increasingly uncertain about logistics.
With the help of my husband, I attempted to prepare for the day in two ways – practically, and also emotionally. Practical preparations included finding a lightweight stroller and a smaller diaper bag, both of which would be much easier to carry on my own. I find I often enjoy practical preparations, as these seem like something I can “control” or check neatly off my to-do list. I realize that I really cannot prepare for every eventuality, but sometime at least a little bit of practical preparation helps appease that “task-y” part of myself – a part which is learning much greater flexibility by necessity due to the unpredictability of motherhood, but which can also be helpful when in its rightful place. This done, I moved on to the emotional preparations, which were a bit messier and more challenging to quantify, but also very meaningful.
I am finding that I am typically able to be more present and enjoy experiences more when I am careful to assess my expectations beforehand, acknowledge them, and then also remind myself – or let someone else help remind me – what, if anything, may be more realistic or even more important. I can be quite idealistic at times, so this can be challenging for me. Before baby, my husband and I would aspire to experience the “perfect” day – both by doing everything possible to ensure we had a sweet day, but also by trying to insist that we were “happy” the entire day. Even when it was just the two of us, being “happy” the entire day was a tall and, of course, unrealistic order. Thus since, at least in our experience, we never quite had a perfect day, we would sometimes have to not be completely honest about even small disappointments for fear they would shatter the possibility of any happiness or that they might hurt the other person. Over time we began to realize that it is possible to have very dear moments but to also have more challenging moments; slowly we have been finding ways to (imperfectly!) learn to enjoy the sweet moments while leaning in to the painful moments as well. This has been very freeing, and has actually been leading to more joy and happiness as well as to a reduction in our sense of needing to control or force a day to turn out a certain way. I am so thankful we started that work while it was just the two of us, because I am finding this to be especially crucial with a baby: while there are so many moments of smiles and laughter and joy and play and fun, there are also moments of tears and fussing and stress, as well as logistical challenges.
With this background in mind, when I spoke with my husband about my expectations about Aquarium Day, I shared with him my joy and excitement and hopes and also my fears. Over the course of our conversation, I began to realize that what I really hoped for the day was that we would make it through the day safely, that I would following through in taking baby out in spite of the stress, that baby would enjoy seeing the fish even a tiny bit (as hopefully evidenced by at least one smile!), and that I would be present throughout the process of the day. I expected that amidst this experience there would be some tears and fussing, potentially some messy diapers and difficulty finding ways to feed, much work, large crowds, and perhaps not many fish seen. While acknowledging that there were many unknowns, my husband also encouraged me to be intentional in trying to find ways to be thankful, to have a positive attitude, and to be flexible and present regardless of what circumstances arose. Overall, I found that I wanted to be present with my baby, and with my friend, in whatever adventures would arise.
Thus with diaper bags packed with snacks and hand sanitizer and diapers and wipes and extra clothes and blankets and teethers and pacifiers and other miscellaneous items, strollers tucked away, and expectations clarified – Aquarium Day dawned! With both great excitement and at least a little bit of trepidation, my friend and I tucked our babies in the car, and we were off and away to the city. And…it was such a sweet day, sweet in the truest sense of the word. Yes, there were a few tears and a few moments of stress and chaos, but I found myself overall being present and genuinely connecting with my baby and sharing enjoyment with him. This presence and connection far outweighed any stressors that arose. Mostly, I feel thankful, thankful for my baby, for getting to share the day with him, for his joy, for also being able to connect with my friend and her baby. And thankful that I got to experience all of this at the aquarium.
I have always loved aquariums, and have so many fond memories of visiting aquariums near the various places in which I have lived – when I myself was a child I would sometimes go with my parents and brother and friends, and, when I was older, my husband and I would go on special dates. Each of these visits was precious in its own way, and I think I always enjoyed both looking at the fish and marine life as well as getting to do so with loved ones. But this time, while I still noticed and enjoyed the marine life, they only served as a beautiful background: what I truly loved about the day was watching my baby watch the fish.
The aquarium really was beautiful, and full of such a fascinating array of life. Some of the creatures my baby and I saw included jellies, beluga whales, sea lions, sharks, a sea turtle, manta rays, sea horses, a monkey, a duck, a snake, eels, a lobster, starfish, sea urchins, seagulls, and – of course! – an incredible number of fish of all shapes and sizes and colors. My baby really seemed to love watching the fish swim by, especially those to which he could get close – close in the sense of him being near the glass of the tank, but also close in the sense that the fish themselves also swam close to the glass. He seemed to particularly enjoy those that were colorful and moved in a way that was neither fast nor slow – features that were rather ideal for baby eye tracking and that stood out from their surroundings. He said “huh” to the fish (the sound he often makes when excited), smiled wide at them, laughed at them, furrowed his brow at them. He looked at them with wide eyes and mouth agape. He reached for them, and tried to clap on the glass. He leaned out of my arms to get closer to them. He squeezed me tight in excitement. He watched the light reflecting on the water and on the walls. He also watched the people. My baby seemed to be expressing his delight and wonder and joy and awe with his entire body. And as is often the case, his presence and delight pulled me into the present as I joined with him in soaking up the moment.
My heart is full.
