As a One on the Enneagram, I find myself constantly striving for “rightness”—in myself, in those around me, in my relationships, in my mothering, in the world. While this constant drive for improvement can leave me looking somewhat okay on the outside, recently I feel the Holy Spirit has been convicting me that my pursuit of rightness, when not redeemed, is really just an idol I’m running toward instead of truly loving Jesus and others. Pursuing rightness apart from Jesus leaves my hidden heart just as sinful as ever in spite of how I might outwardly look, in a state similar to the Pharisees whom Jesus called out for appearing righteous in spite of their inward hypocrisy and wickedness (Matt. 23:28).
In my heart, I can easily become proud, foolishly believing that I know the right or best way to be or to think, and my striving for perfection is closely linked to my propensity for doing and my tendency towards trying to control not only myself but also those around me and my environment. However, as I live in a fallen world, am myself sinful, and am also surrounded by other sinful people, I obviously constantly find myself and others falling dismally short in various areas of life. When I or others inevitably fall short of the “right” or “fair” or “perfect thing”, I often find myself inwardly struggling with feeling angry and anxious, and becoming judgmental and critical. Clearly I am not loving Jesus or others well in my heart if these are my inward responses.
My initial inclination, upon recognizing this sin in my heart, is to want to just try to do better—yet ultimately this is just another way of me trying to move more towards rightness by my own strength, and of running towards what is “right” instead of running toward Jesus. Loving Jesus and running after him will help me to continue to want to live rightly, but my heart in doing so will be different. Rather than becoming caught up in my own strivings for rightness, I want and need the Holy Spirit to continue to help me see and know and understand and experience the glory of who Jesus is, and the grace and life that he has lavished so freely upon me and all believers.
2:1 And you were dead in the trespasses and sins…4 But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, 5 even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— 6 and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, 7 so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. 8 For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, 9 not a result of works, so that no one may boast. 10 For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.
Ephesians 2:1, 4-10 (ESV)
It was far from right or fair that Jesus died me—for I could never do enough right to earn this sacrifice. Yet he chose to sacrifice himself for me, and poured grace and love upon me even though I was far from deserving. And if the Holy Spirit continues to grow my understanding the extent of his love and grace, how can my heart help but respond by being deeply humbled, unspeakably grateful, and filled with the worship and praise of Jesus? And how can my heart and my ensuing actions not be motivated increasingly by loving Jesus in response to his love, and then loving others as an overflow?
Even as I grow in resting in the grace received in Jesus, I imagine I will always care about what is right, and I hope that this passion, when redeemed, will even contribute to me faithfully accomplishing the “good works” that God has prepared for me to do. But I think I will begin to care about rightness in a different sort of way that is filled with more love and grace in my response to others rather than being motivated by a heart solely fixated on rightness itself. I pray that the Holy Spirit may continue to grow me in resting in the grace I have received from Jesus, and that from this place I may then grow in loving Jesus, my family, and others with a genuinely gracious and loving heart.