Author: Chel

One!

Posted on by Chel

This past weekend our dear little baby turned one! It was such a special time of love and of presence, and of celebration – of our baby, and of God’s work in his and our lives. The night before Baby’s birthday, after he was fast asleep, my husband and I decorated downstairs with balloons and streamers and birthday signs and party hats and noisemakers, and set out his wrapped presents. (We found ourselves growing so excited that we wanted to run upstairs to wake Baby up and show him the festivities he had in store; it was just so sweet to be able to lovingly plan for his special day.) The next morning, Baby was indeed amazed and delighted by the decorations; he pointed at the streamers and touched the signs, and especially loved pointing at and playing with his birthday balloons (which, thankfully, did not pop).

And decorations were just the beginning of a birthday filled with special surprises. We made Baby breakfast pancakes. We video chatted with family – they even sang him “Happy Birthday”, and he got to show them his new presents. He played with his new toys – he especially seemed to love his new toy train – and of course had to do some napping as well to replenish his birthday spirits. He also put up with a birthday photoshoot in an adorable birthday outfit that included suspenders and a matching little bowtie – although how squirmy and busy he now is made it much more challenging to take his one year pictures than his one month pictures.

In the afternoon, Nana and Papa arrived to join the celebration. Baby got to enjoy playing with them and even helped Papa and Daddy assemble his toy car track – said “helping” which included him holding the directions and hiding a piece or two. For dinner he got to enjoy birthday meatballs, followed by…birthday cake!!! He admired his cake and intently watched the candle while we sang him happy birthday, and then we gave him a slice. Right away he got blue icing all over his face and nose and hands, and then he grabbed the cake and shoved it right into his mouth. His little face quickly moved from surprise to glee, and he smiled and squealed and squished his hands and kicked his feet and quickly took another bite. As he became full, he then began to admire his blue hands and to study the texture of the cake and, of course, to smile around at all of us to make sure we saw how delightful this new experience was. And, indeed, it was delightful for all of us – his joy was contagious, and we were all full of smiles and laughter and gratitude in getting to witness and join in with his delight. He got a wonderful sugar rush from his cake, and was able to stay up nearly two hours past his regular bedtime to play and enjoy his birthday just a little longer before drifting off to sleep. And the celebrations extended into the rest of the weekend, other highlights of which included a botanical garden adventure, trying his first French fry, more playing and even snuggles with Nana and Papa, and shared enjoyment with the family.

All in all, I think it was a very sweet first birthday, which seemed a fitting way to celebrate what has been a very sweet first year with our dear Baby. I hope Baby felt very celebrated and special and loved; I certainly know that we love him and cherished this weekend with him. I find myself often wanting to press pause and save a moment forever, but as a wise colleague of mine often encourages me to do, I am trying to be a “sponge” and “soak up” these moments by being present in them and having a grateful heart. And we truly do have so much to be grateful for – my husband and I love our baby so much we can hardly contain it. As often seems to be the case for me in parenthood, I find I do not have adequate words to express the depth of love I have for my baby or how profound parenthood is or how thankful I am. The other day, my husband expressed that seeing Baby smile and hearing him laugh often leads my husband to feel as though he is about to cry because of how much he loves Baby; this is something I too feel more often than I can say – there is often a sense of my heart simply overflowing. The LORD has been so gracious to us and our baby this past year, and we are so humbled and so grateful for how he has been sustaining us and caring for us.

The milestone of Baby’s first birthday also prompted me and my husband to reflect on our baby, how he has grown, and how God has been at work in Baby’s and our lives this year. We are so thankful for our baby, for his joyful and friendly spirit, his contagious laughter, his insatiable curiosity, his playful antics, his quick smile, his tendency to express his emotions with his whole being, his snuggles, his hugs, his “ojitos”, the way he loves to copy us, the sound of his little yawns in our ears when we hold him close before bedtime, the way he sleeps with his bottom up in a pyramid, how when he “walks” holding our hands he sticks his tummy out, the messy curl to his hair, his perfectly chubby baby feet, the way he loves to try new food, the way he looks to us to share enjoyment, his flexibility and willingness to try new things…the list could of course go on endlessly. How he has grown since we first met him a year ago, and how we love getting to know him better each day as he continues to develop into his own little person.

As my husband and I reflect on how we hope God will continue to be at work in our baby’s life in the future, we pray that Baby will grow up knowing he is loved by Jesus, by us, and by family and friends – and that as he grows, he will come to reciprocate this love by loving Jesus, us, and others. It seems fitting to close with the verse that we often pray over Baby, and in which we ourselves have also found much hope and encouragement:

Ephesians 3:14-19 New International Version (NIV)

 14 For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15 from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love,18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

We love you, Baby. May you always be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Happy One! (:

First Flight Home

Posted on by Chel

Baby is now quite the little traveler! This past month he – and we – had a huge adventure in that we flew to visit our families for two weeks. My husband and I had been anticipating this trip for months, and felt great excitement and expectation but also some uncertainty about the logistics, as travelling with a baby felt like such unknown territory. Amidst trying to prepare as much as we could, we decided that we wanted to try to focus on connection and presence, while also trying to consider both the ups and downs that would occur as an adventure. And it turns out that, as anticipated, our family trip certainly was an adventure – an adventure that was deeply meaningful and filled with love, and that also included many firsts.

One big first was that Baby had his very first plane flight! After days of packing and anticipation and preparation we arrived at the airport with: 2 large suitcases to check, one heavy car seat in a neon yellow carrying bag, one stroller, Baby’s carry-on suitcase, Baby’s large diaper bag, Baby’s small diaper backpack, a computer bag, a baby carrier, and – Baby!!! My husband and I could not help but laugh at ourselves when we saw all that we were carrying along with us and when we reflected on how much our lives have changed since previous flights we have taken together as a couple.

In particular we remembered back to our honeymoon, when, waiting at the gate, we saw a harried young mother with her children, bustling around looking stressed and rushed and generally overwhelmed. I remember us watching her with wonder as we noticed how different our lives seemed to be from hers, in a way that was hard to fathom. Sitting so quietly as a couple, we felt as though flying was a restful time to sit close to one another and talk and read and play games – in sum, almost a vacation in and of itself. In contrast, flying looked to be the hardest of work for that young mother. We thought of that particular mother several times on this trip, and couldn’t help but find humor in how many things we had and how much more cumbersome it was to get around and how, in all likelihood, to others we had become the frazzled young parents. We are now beginning to appreciate flying for the great logistical feat it is, at least when flying with children! I can only imagine what I will feel if we ever have any more kids – although some grandmothers who were admiring Baby in the airport jokingly shared with us that while you pack everything for your first baby, as number of children increase you become increasingly minimalistic until you likely reach a point where all you believe you need is a diaper, a change of clothes, and perhaps a snack. If that is indeed true, what we brought on our first flight for Baby could someday suffice for a family of about 20!

Yet in all seriousness, while I think both my husband and I felt some stress and pressure around logistical details, and we sometimes miss aspects of our more “carefree” days as just two, we wouldn’t trade being three for anything in the world. Our stress was undoubtedly overshadowed by the deep joy and delight and love we felt for one another, and by our sense of gratitude for being able to go somewhere as an entire family. I must also note that, in spite of all my initial concern, Baby actually was a natural traveler. After a quick nap in the airport to replenish his spirits, he was able to enjoy watching planes out the window of the airport from up on Daddy’s shoulders. Once on the airplane we sat so that I – with Baby on my lap – was next to the window, and Daddy was in the middle. Baby loved looking out the window during takeoff, and my husband and I loved sharing this special moment with him. It was a beautiful moment in so many ways – it was during that magical twilight hour when the sun was low in the sky and light took on a mysterious and beautiful quality. The sky was alight in orange and red contrasted with the deep purple and blue of the thunderstorms brewing below us, and the clouds had a quality that was simultaneously both substantial and fleeting. Our dear baby gazed out the window and we pointed at the sky and the various lights in view – from both the plane wing as well as the city and car lights growing ever more distant below. Sitting next to my husband, with both of us enjoying our baby enjoying this unprecedented experience of the world, my heart felt so full. After gazing out the window for awhile, our little baby fell asleep in the baby sling against my chest. Never have I had such a cozy and snuggly flight – and how I am trying to soak up these moments of closeness while my dear baby is still small enough to snuggle against me in this way.

Once we landed, we spent a week with Daddy’s family and then a week with Mommy’s family. We had some grand moments, but so many of the little everyday moments were just as special. It was also such a priceless experience to get to participate in the layering of favorite old memories with the creation of new memories. Following are some of the especially notable moments I have been cherishing:

Moments with Daddy’s family:

  • Family time in the giant church van – Grandpa, Grandma, both uncles, Mommy, Daddy, and Baby all got to ride together! Baby loved getting to interact with everyone while driving, and also seemed quite amazed at looking out the giant windows from such a tall vantage point.
  • Family brunch – This is something we used to love to do before Baby, and it was even more special and enjoyable doing with him along. Brunch seemed to suit him just as well as it does us!
  • First time seeing the ocean – As a family, we visited the oceanside city where my husband and I had our very first official date. We told Baby this is where it all began.
  • Strolling with Grandpa – He looked so proud and happy pushing Baby in his stroller.
  • Reading with Grandma – Baby was especially delighted when she read him and his stuffed doggy toy a doggy book that even included her making barking sound effects.
  • First time at a theme park – He even got to watch his uncle perform at a show here, and seemed so excited about the music!
  • Playing with his uncles – They connected in many playful yet tender moments and genuine joy. I love seeing this new side of my husband’s and my brothers.
  • Meeting great grandparents – He even got a family picture with four generations! He is the first great grandchild – just like he is the first grandchild for both my and my husband’s parents.
  • Entering in to community – Baby got to meet Grandma and Grandpa’s church community, and many family friends, and was welcomed with love.
  • Meeting Mommy’s friends – He got to meet some of my dear college friends.
  • Seeing Baby’s delight in being around other people – He truly seemed to light up, even though he also got sleepy by the end of the day. He seems to be a truly social little bub.
  • Date nights – It was so refreshing to have Grandma and Grandpa babysit after we put Baby to bed, so we could go out!
  • Baby’s remarkable flexibility – I learn about flexibility through being a parent, but also can learn about it from my baby’s example. He is remarkably good at being present and trying new things!

Moments with Mommy’s family:

  • First time staying in a hotel – We stayed as a family in a hotel near where Baby’s uncle lives; Baby not only got to enjoy extra family time but also treats such as breakfast in the lobby and snuggles in bed with my husband and I as we watched a late night movie.
  • Playing with uncle – I loved seeing them mutually delight in one another. Uncle hadn’t seen Baby since baby was a newborn, so the ways he has grown were especially apparent and enjoyable.
  • First time playing in the sand and getting in the ocean (just his toes) – He seemed to love it, and kept trying to tug us back to the waves when we held on to his hands to help him “walk”. He was initially alarmed by the sand sticking to his hands and feet, but once he realized it was okay, he seemed to relish the messiness. I too love playing in sand!
  • First time going swimming in the pool and hot tub – He got to swim with Nana and Papa in my childhood home, where I myself used to love to swim when I was Baby’s age. He also loved sitting in Mister Crab, the cute little floatie toy Nana and Papa got him.
  • Nana and Papa time – I loved seeing my parents delight in Baby in ways big and small, from swimming with him to imitating his sounds to sitting on the floor with him to being silly with him and just generally loving him. And I loved seeing him connect with them.
  • Making friends with a doggy – He got to meet my little childhood dog, who loves children. He was initially afraid of her, but quickly came around as he realized she was gentle and friendly.
  • Being a team – I really enjoyed how my husband and I got to grow in our relationship in the sense of being both an effective co-parenting team but also a couple.
  • Resting – It was so refreshing to have family around to both enjoy and help out with Baby. This means at times, my husband and I even got to rest at the same moment, and to go on some dates!

There are, of course, countless other memories I could share, and I would still not be able to fully capture how special of a time it was or how grateful I feel. Baby was so incredibly flexible and joyful and sociable and gracious and present, and I think my husband and I were indeed able to focus on connection and presence after all. While I think we all had moments of feeling tired, overall we all deeply cherished moments shared with family. There truly is nothing like being with family, and experiencing the multiplying sense of love and joy that occurs within and amongst family: my husband and I love our families and being around them, and love seeing Baby enjoy being with family, and seeing family enjoy being with him, which of course increases our own sense of love and joy – on and on in a recursive and seemingly infinite loop. Once again, my heart is so full.

 

Sleepy Smile

Posted on by Chel

Lately I have been enjoying moments of nursing more, especially as I increasingly see how quickly my baby is turning into a little boy – who will not be nursing forever. Nursing can be hard work, especially when I myself feel tired, but it also can be very sweet. One such sweet moment occurred earlier this week. I was tired after a long day, and was greatly looking forward to going to bed. I tried to creep quietly into bed so-as to not wake our baby (as he still sleeps in our room in his Pack n Play), but I was not quiet enough and he woke up crying. I snuggled him close to nurse, with my mind still on bed, but I spent a few moments gazing down as I nursed him. And as I did so, I was struck by how precious it is to be able to share these quiet, sleepy moments with him. This was an especially tender moment, as he was in such a soft and snuggly and gentle mood. He popped his head up from nursing, and in the darkness just barely illuminated by his one small bear nightlight, he smiled up at me and at my husband. His sleepy smile was the type of smile that was so big it took up his entire face; he squinted together his eyes and leaned back his head and showed all four of his dear little teeth. My husband and I soaked up this moment, treasuring it. And I pulled our baby close, and kissed him, and breathed in his baby smell, and felt his warmth and squishiness.

Messy

Posted on by Chel

My husband and I are finding that as our baby gets increasingly mobile – he can now “creep” about the floor remarkably quickly! – our home gets increasingly messy. Even when my husband and I try our best to tidy up the living room at the end of the day, just a few minutes after we come downstairs the following morning, toys and baby things are strewn about everywhere – cars, shapes, stackable cups, balls, rings, animals, teethers, puzzles, activity stations, stuffed animals, pillows, blankets and more. Sometimes all of these baby items make our relatively small living room feel too crowded and chaotic and unpredictable and out of control and disorganized…in a word, messy. But it also feels lived in, as all of these various items are reminders of moments shared in this space – moments of laughter and connection and learning and play, and also of tears and frustration. As our baby learns and grows, and as we learn and grow with him, messiness happens, but even our small and limited living room is proving capable of holding these experiences. This messy living room is the very space in which relationship and connection is occurring, and in which each day we are getting to know our dear little baby better and better – and, I hope, in which he is getting to know us. And when we think of this, my husband and I truly wouldn’t have it be any other way.

This tangible picture of messiness as a means of play – and therefore, connection – that I get to experience daily with my baby makes me think of the more abstract “messiness” of connection that I experience in relationship, particularly relationship with my husband. Lately my husband and I have been having some hard conversations within the “living room” of our marriage; while there is a part of me that wants to “clean up” this relational space instead of allowing complex emotions and different perspectives and sometimes contradictory desires and varying opinions and numerous needs and heavy stressors to get “strewn about”, doing so would actually mean our relationship was not particularly “lived in”, and would likely make it hard to truly be engaging with one another. So my husband and I have been trying our best to process our relationship by discussing how we each are experiencing one another and our marriage, how we are feeling known and loved well, and how we could be knowing and loving one another better – we are trying to “play” in our relational space with one another. This is sometimes hurtful and hard, and we both often fall short of how we aspire to love one another, but it is also usually ends up fostering greater mutual connection and closeness and knowing and learning and growing. And I think over the years, we are becoming increasingly able to trust in our love for one another within the messy “living room” of our marriage, and to then trust that this love is strong enough to hold the honesty of painful emotions, truths, and experiences alongside joyful experiences. Or, said another way, we are learning that our love for one another is strong enough and safe enough to hold mutual vulnerability, for even though we at times hurt one another – both intentionally and unintentionally – at the end of the day we know our hearts are for one another, and, by God’s grace, always will be.

The Goodness of Watermelon

Posted on by Chel

My baby started eating rice cereal and pureed food several months ago, but only within the past several weeks has he been eating finger foods as well. Watching him experience food in all its textured, flavorful, chewy glory has been delightful to witness: He seems genuinely amazed and proud to be able to touch the food on his high chair tray with his very own fingers. He also seems to find great fulfillment and purpose in diligently practicing his pincer grasp, whereby he – increasingly successfully – attempts to bring the morsels of food, accompanied by several fingers that often seem to have wiggly lives of their own, to his mouth. This arrival of any food/fingers to his mouth is often celebrated by a broad, open mouthed, toothy “hippo” grin such as completely melts my heart. There truly is no one else with whom my husband and I would rather share our meals, or our days.

One of baby’s most unbridled expressions of joy so far during this finger foods process came about when I gave him a piece of watermelon several days ago. I was eating watermelon with my own lunch, and as he was watching me very intently, I offered him a piece of his own. He immediately broke out in an eager smile, then proceeded to open his hands wide in excitement. Soon, he began to use his fingers to explore the cold, juicy texture while giving the sound he often makes when excited – a little “huh” chuckle that is often accompanied by smiles and sometimes even by flapping arms alternating with the tensing of his arms and legs as he squeezes out his excitement. He used his ever-improving pincer grasp to bring the juicy melon to his mouth, said melon which he then sucked on, took out of his mouth to again look and laugh at, returned to his mouth to suck and chew on, and even eventually swallowed (or at least partially swallowed). By the end, he was still full of smiles and laughter, and his adorable face and little hands – as well as his highchair, bib, and everything else within reach – were covered in pink, juicy, sticky evidence of the watermelon he had so loved.

As is often the case, getting to see the way in which my baby delights in the world around him encourages me to see and reflect upon the world in new ways myself. His enjoyment of food –especially watermelon! – is no exception. Witnessing his experience with watermelon leads me to wonder about food as God originally intended it to be. As everything that God created was good (Genesis 1:31), I imagine food is no exception. Not only did God originally create human beings as good, and food as good, he made human beings with taste buds to register the delicious goodness of food – and as far as I can tell this is not something that God had to do (as I’m sure he could have thought up other ways to ensure people partook of enough energy to sustain life). And yet he did! And the fact that he did can and does bring us great joy and fellowship, even as I got to experience as I ate lunch with my dear little baby. As an aside, this reminds me of a professor at my undergraduate institution who had a heart that was especially worshipful; one of his sermons included an exhortation to take time to truly look at the world around us – an example of which included the amazing complexity of taste buds – for if we truly do so, we will not be able to help but be moved to worship God. This makes me inclined to think that enjoying watermelon together, or any food, can lead to worship.

I like thinking about how food enjoyed well can lead to worship and can also be a space for fellowship, which leads me to believe food can be life-giving in a literal sense but also in a spiritual and relational sense. I especially appreciate recognizing this goodness of food, as I also know how food eaten for less wholesome reasons or in other ways can be particularly soul deadening. One of the many implications of living life after the Fall (Genesis 3) is that even good things can be grossly distorted, and I think food, including human relationships with food, is no exception. I even think that sometimes food itself can mistakenly become an object of worship, or that relationship with food can take place of relationship with others or even with God. I experienced this for myself in a particularly extreme way in my junior high years when I became anorexic and isolated, and today still notice I can sometimes look to food as a form of comfort or avoidance or indulgence or rest or happiness, or as a way to control, or as a way to “fill” emptiness I may feel in my heart.

Yet seeing my baby enjoy food in a way that I imagine is close to how God originally intended brings me great joy and hope that even in this fallen world the goodness of food can be redeemed – that it can be enjoyed in its rightful place, for what it is, and that it can lead to worship and fellowship and life.

The Overnight Visit

Posted on by Chel

Our baby experienced another large milestone this week – he had his very first night away from mommy and daddy. Perhaps an even bigger, concurrent milestone was that my husband and I had our very first night away from him. This night had been some time in coming; our anniversary is at the end of June, and to help us celebrate, my parents planned a visit in which they hoped to both soak up time with baby and also to watch him overnight for one evening of the trip. My husband and I had been greatly looking forward to Nana and Papa’s visit, but were uncertain as to whether we would actually be able follow through with leaving our baby for an entire evening away – although to help encourage said follow through, we made sure to book a local hotel in advance so that we had an external commitment. (As an aside, I find it both humorous and humbling to find that while, before baby was born, I insisted that I would be able to prioritize marriage and would be intentional in finding ways to be alone with my husband regularly, ever since baby was born I find it incredibly challenging to be away from baby for more than a few hours. I now understand why not all parents get out often!)

This past week the long-awaited visit with Nana and Papa finally arrived, and included many sweet moments shared together as a family, including zoo adventures and playing with toy towers and walking and going to Target and baby generally enjoying being the center of attention, along with all the lavish of snuggles and coos and admiration this role entails. Baby seems to be slowly leaving the “stranger danger” phase of development, and is instead beginning to enter into a stage where he mostly likes the attention of others, especially Nana and Papa, and particularly if my husband and I are still in the room. Baby plays more gently and quietly with others (instead of being his usual boisterous and busy self) but still has many smiles to share, some snuggles to give, and much shared enjoyment. He particularly relished being on outings where Nana and Papa could hold him while he looked at the interesting world around him – some of his favorite moments of being held seemed to be while looking at zoo exhibits and at toys in the store. And as baby delighted in engaging with Nana and Papa and in looking at the world, I delighted in watching baby and my parents together, enjoying one another. It was so very sweet to be able to share the joy of him with them, and in doing so it felt as though the joy of motherhood multiplied. These felt like such sweet, quintessential “grandparent time” moments, and left my heart feeling so full.

Thankfully, this fullness of heart borne of several days of time shared with my parents led to me feeling ready – or at least as ready as possible! – to actually try to spend the night away with my husband. These moments from earlier in the visit helped me see that baby is able to be with others (away from me) more than I might think, and that he may even enjoy doing so. I know that my parents certainly enjoy being with him. This time shared together also led me to reflect on how I want to be able to let my baby go enough that he actually gets to be with and form relationship others; I do not want to anxiously keep him to myself and always try to “protect” him even now that he is growing bigger. While my desire to be with my baby is motivated by my love for him, I wonder if loving entails a balance of both holding close and letting go. My parents were offering to love me (and my husband) by watching our baby, but I think that me accepting and trusting was also a way for me to love my baby and to love my parents (who cherish time with my baby). Being away to celebrate our marriage was also, of course, a way for me to love my husband.

With these thoughts in mind, Friday night arrived. After packing an overnight bag, I fed baby and gave him his bedtime bath and put on his jammies and nursed him and snuggled him close – and then my husband and I kissed our baby and told him we loved him before giving him to Nana to rock to sleep. And, away my husband and I drove, just the two of us, for our first time of being out of the house as just two for more than 3 or 4 straight hours since baby was born. And it was surreal and refreshing and precious and weird and wonderful and exciting and celebratory – and it truly happened! My husband and I enjoyed doing small things reminiscent of how we used to share time together prior to baby – we went to dinner and talked about everything and nothing, we wandered around and looked at random points of interest, we got ice cream and coffee, we drove around and listened to music, we laughed at one another’s jokes, we enjoyed having no responsibilities for over twelve whole hours and watched corny hotel movies and marveled at a night of uninterrupted sleep, we slept in, we went to brunch. We reflected on our marriage and the ways in which our love has grown over the years, how much both we and our lives have changed since we were first married, how gracious the LORD has been to us. We enjoyed being able to focus on just one another, having uninterrupted conversations where we could make one another feel important and seen and cherished, being just two. And, after cherishing these sweet moments as just two, we drove back home to our dear baby. I would not trade a night away with just my husband celebrating our marriage, but I also would not trade having our dear baby to go back home to afterward. And I think that each is sweeter for the experience of the other – I appreciate my husband (and time alone with him!) even more after having our baby, and I appreciate being with our baby even more after having a short bit of time away with just my husband.

Father’s Day Presence

Posted on by Chel

Some of the many qualities I love about my husband – and that I treasure getting to see in new ways now that he is a father – include his ability to be present and unexpectedly humorous in such a way that the everyday, and even mundane, can be transformed into something special. I remember admiring this quality in him even back when we were merely dating – a specific memory that especially stands out is from a time in college when we were serving in a children’s ministry event overseas. We had been entrusted with babysitting several toddlers; it was toward the end of a busy day, and both toys and energy were running low. I was trying to do the best I could to keep the kids engaged but felt myself quickly running out of ideas and wondering how long was left until parents returned. My ability to be present was surely fading. Then in came my husband (or rather, at that time, boyfriend) – and in what to me seemed a nearly effortless blink of an eye, he was here and there about the room captivating the children with a number of unexpected, whimsical, and humorous interactions. Soon the previously dull and sleepy room was filled with the brightness of joy and connection fostered by laughter and play. And I distinctly remember admiring how he interacted with these children so intentionally, and hoping that I could grow in my ability to both be responsible but also to connect and make room for being more lighthearted and playful.

On Father’s Day I was reminded that – while neither of us are carefree college students anymore – my husband’s ability to be playfully present and my admiration of him being able to do so are still just as true as ever. If anything, I value and respect how he does so even more, as I know it takes intentionality and quiet strength to continue to foster these qualities amidst the very real weight of responsibility that comes with being a father and a husband and an employee and a leader and…the list of the many roles he fills could go on. On Father’s Day, we had both a sweet day filled with small adventures as a family and yet also a tiring day (especially after a much-needed and anticipated afternoon nap was skipped by our over-excited baby, leaving us little time to complete some necessary household tasks). By the time bath-time rolled around, our baby was quite worn out, and so were we. But instead of rushing through the nightly bedtime routine by dividing and conquering, my husband and I decided to join in giving our baby a bath together. My husband likes to use the phone to play bath-time songs for our baby, but as we forgot the phone downstairs, we began to make up our own songs – using Sesame Street’s classic “Rubber Duckie” as an inspiration. We took turns creating silly, nonsensical, spontaneous verses – some of which rhymed and some of which decidedly did not, and some of which were sung in tune and some of which were quite “free-spirited” – and soon found that my husband and I along with our baby were laughing and smiling, joyful and connected in our play even while also going through the motions of bath-time scrubbing and splashing and rinsing and “(pa)jamming”. And what better way to wrap up my husband’s very first Father’s Day than being together, as a little family of three, finding something special and delightful and full of joy in the simple, everyday experience of a bedtime routine? I hope that as our baby grows he will become increasingly intentional, playful, connected, and present in the everyday…just like his daddy.

The Aquarium

Posted on by Chel

This week my baby – and I – had another big day: we went to the aquarium! This marked my baby’s first time at the aquarium, his second time in the city, and my first time taking him on such a large outing without the help of my husband. The idea for this day first came about when, several months ago, a dear friend of mine suggested we take our babies to the aquarium in the summer. The date was so far off, all I could think about was how much I imagined my baby would enjoy the aquarium, how fun it would be to get out in the summertime, and what a sweet way it would be to share time with my friend. But as the day got nearer and nearer, I found that while I was still looking forward to the day, I was also becoming increasingly uncertain about logistics.

With the help of my husband, I attempted to prepare for the day in two ways – practically, and also emotionally. Practical preparations included finding a lightweight stroller and a smaller diaper bag, both of which would be much easier to carry on my own. I find I often enjoy practical preparations, as these seem like something I can “control” or check neatly off my to-do list. I realize that I really cannot prepare for every eventuality, but sometime at least a little bit of practical preparation helps appease that “task-y” part of myself – a part which is learning much greater flexibility by necessity due to the unpredictability of motherhood, but which can also be helpful when in its rightful place. This done, I moved on to the emotional preparations, which were a bit messier and more challenging to quantify, but also very meaningful.

I am finding that I am typically able to be more present and enjoy experiences more when I am careful to assess my expectations beforehand, acknowledge them, and then also remind myself – or let someone else help remind me – what, if anything, may be more realistic or even more important. I can be quite idealistic at times, so this can be challenging for me. Before baby, my husband and I would aspire to experience the “perfect” day – both by doing everything possible to ensure we had a sweet day, but also by trying to insist that we were “happy” the entire day. Even when it was just the two of us, being “happy” the entire day was a tall and, of course, unrealistic order. Thus since, at least in our experience, we never quite had a perfect day, we would sometimes have to not be completely honest about even small disappointments for fear they would shatter the possibility of any happiness or that they might hurt the other person. Over time we began to realize that it is possible to have very dear moments but to also have more challenging moments; slowly we have been finding ways to (imperfectly!) learn to enjoy the sweet moments while leaning in to the painful moments as well. This has been very freeing, and has actually been leading to more joy and happiness as well as to a reduction in our sense of needing to control or force a day to turn out a certain way. I am so thankful we started that work while it was just the two of us, because I am finding this to be especially crucial with a baby: while there are so many moments of smiles and laughter and joy and play and fun, there are also moments of tears and fussing and stress, as well as logistical challenges.

With this background in mind, when I spoke with my husband about my expectations about Aquarium Day, I shared with him my joy and excitement and hopes and also my fears. Over the course of our conversation, I began to realize that what I really hoped for the day was that we would make it through the day safely, that I would following through in taking baby out in spite of the stress, that baby would enjoy seeing the fish even a tiny bit (as hopefully evidenced by at least one smile!), and that I would be present throughout the process of the day.  I expected that amidst this experience there would be some tears and fussing, potentially some messy diapers and difficulty finding ways to feed, much work, large crowds, and perhaps not many fish seen. While acknowledging that there were many unknowns, my husband also encouraged me to be intentional in trying to find ways to be thankful, to have a positive attitude, and to be flexible and present regardless of what circumstances arose. Overall, I found that I wanted to be present with my baby, and with my friend, in whatever adventures would arise.

Thus with diaper bags packed with snacks and hand sanitizer and diapers and wipes and extra clothes and blankets and teethers and pacifiers and other miscellaneous items, strollers tucked away, and expectations clarified – Aquarium Day dawned! With both great excitement and at least a little bit of trepidation, my friend and I tucked our babies in the car, and we were off and away to the city. And…it was such a sweet day, sweet in the truest sense of the word. Yes, there were a few tears and a few moments of stress and chaos, but I found myself overall being present and genuinely connecting with my baby and sharing enjoyment with him. This presence and connection far outweighed any stressors that arose. Mostly, I feel thankful, thankful for my baby, for getting to share the day with him, for his joy, for also being able to connect with my friend and her baby. And thankful that I got to experience all of this at the aquarium.

I have always loved aquariums, and have so many fond memories of visiting aquariums near the various places in which I have lived – when I myself was a child I would sometimes go with my parents and brother and friends, and, when I was older, my husband and I would go on special dates. Each of these visits was precious in its own way, and I think I always enjoyed both looking at the fish and marine life as well as getting to do so with loved ones. But this time, while I still noticed and enjoyed the marine life, they only served as a beautiful background: what I truly loved about the day was watching my baby watch the fish.

The aquarium really was beautiful, and full of such a fascinating array of life. Some of the creatures my baby and I saw included jellies, beluga whales, sea lions, sharks, a sea turtle, manta rays, sea horses, a monkey, a duck, a snake, eels, a lobster, starfish, sea urchins, seagulls, and – of course! – an incredible number of fish of all shapes and sizes and colors. My baby really seemed to love watching the fish swim by, especially those to which he could get close – close in the sense of him being near the glass of the tank, but also close in the sense that the fish themselves also swam close to the glass. He seemed to particularly enjoy those that were colorful and moved in a way that was neither fast nor slow – features that were rather ideal for baby eye tracking and that stood out from their surroundings. He said “huh” to the fish (the sound he often makes when excited), smiled wide at them, laughed at them, furrowed his brow at them. He looked at them with wide eyes and mouth agape. He reached for them, and tried to clap on the glass. He leaned out of my arms to get closer to them. He squeezed me tight in excitement. He watched the light reflecting on the water and on the walls. He also watched the people. My baby seemed to be expressing his delight and wonder and joy and awe with his entire body. And as is often the case, his presence and delight pulled me into the present as I joined with him in soaking up the moment.

My heart is full.

 

The Weight of Love

Posted on by Chel

Our baby recently turned 9 months old, a milestone for which celebration included taking him to the doctor for his 9 month checkup. The first thing the receptionists – all of whom are very friendly and kind – exclaimed upon greeting him was just how much he has grown and changed. And indeed he has. I find our baby to be such a tangible marker of the passage of time; every day, sometimes seemingly in the blink of an eye, he is growing and changing and becoming in new ways. Our very first time in the doctor’s office, back when fall was only beginning to be in the air, was when our baby was just 4 days old. This was our first time taking him out of the house since he came home from the hospital, and even getting out the door was such an exciting a novel process that called for a picture as well as for the help of many hands. My husband and I remember being deeply in love already with our dear baby, but we also remember feeling somewhat delirious in our sleep deprived state – a deliriousness that I remember felt as though I was underwater, and as though all sensory information was being distorted through said water before it reached me, and as though in order to respond my thoughts and words floated surreally back through said water before (hopefully) reaching their intended destination in the ears of those whom were attempting to have conversations with me. Yet even then, my husband and I distinctly remember seeing a 4-month-old come in for her appointment as we were sitting in the waiting room with our tiny baby – who was tucked cozily in his infant carseat, deep asleep. As we watched how this “big” baby was able to hold her head up and look around as her father carried her against his chest, we marveled at how grown up she looked. Yet today, I am sure if we would have seen this same 4-month-old, she is the one who would have looked tiny. What a difference perspective makes!

Our doctor’s office has multiple patient rooms, but it just so happens that for his 9 month appointment we were assigned the same room we had on our baby’s very first visit. Being in this room, and at the milestone of 9 months, led us to reflect a bit on what life was like then and how much not only our baby but our whole family has changed since the first time we were in that particular room. We have such mixed emotions as we think back to that first visit; we loved our baby so much were so excited, but we were also very worried – our baby was having difficulty nursing, was losing weight, and was jaundiced. While I realize these are small problems when compared to the other innumerable health problems that can arise for babies, we felt terrified that something terrible was going to happen to our baby and I distinctly remember dissolving into tears of love and fear and uncertainty. Our little baby just seemed so vulnerable, and the weight of parenting him felt like such a large responsibility for which my husband and I were grossly unqualified. I think at this time I was just beginning to realize what it is like to love a baby so much, how exhilarating and powerful and joyful this experience is, and yet how heart-wrenching and vulnerable and uncertain. At our baby’s 9 month appointment, my husband and I were able to notice how many things have changed since our baby’s first appointment – how much he has grown in every sense of the word, how much more settled we now feel in our roles as parents, how we can hardly even imagine what life was like before he was a member of our family. Yet while many things have changed, others are still the same – how much we love our baby, how heavy the weight of loving and parenting him feels, how much we want him to be well but are terrified to realize we cannot guarantee his eternal wellness or safety.

Once we had returned back home, I began to cry while nursing our baby, and for a few moments it was as though I could hardly breathe. I was crying because of how much I love him, how dear he is to me, how unspeakably grateful I am that my husband and I get to share our lives with him, how terrified I am of anything ever happening to him. I was crying because of this weight of love. To be honest, I actually often cry when I think of just how much I love our baby and how I want him to always be with me. I believe that children are a blessing from the LORD, and that ultimately they belong to him. This means that “my” baby is not really “my” baby at all, but rather is on loan to me and my husband from the LORD, for however long or short the LORD blesses us with the incredible gift of having our baby with us. I want to hold so tightly to my baby, and yet truly I know it is far better for the LORD to be the one who is ultimately holding him. This is so painful for me, and such a daily, moment by moment struggle, as it is all too easy for me to be overcome by fear. It is so hard for me to love my baby with reckless abandon, with all of me, and to do all I can – alongside my husband – to love and parent and disciple and protect him to the very best of my finite abilities…and then, to recognize at the end of the day (or even throughout each day) the very best thing I can do while loving my baby in the aforementioned ways is to hold him loosely in hands that are open to the LORD and that trust in his sovereignty. But if this is so hard for me now, when my baby is well, how much harder will it be when the inevitable suffering and hardship that life on this earth entails comes? I am overwhelmed even thinking about this, but I have to hope and trust that God will give me the grace I need moment by moment to love faithfully in each season of life, even if I cannot imagine that now.

I wonder if considering several passages of Scripture, all of which have been impactful for me, may here be relevant:

Matthew 6:25-34 New International Version (NIV)

Do Not Worry

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

As much as I would like to think that I can add innumerable hours to my baby’s life – or the lives of anyone I love – doing so is not in my control, especially not through worrying. In contrast, this passage makes it painfully clear that I should instead be trusting in who God is and devoting myself to seeking first his kingdom. Which, in this stage of life, I imagine may at least partially look like loving my baby well in the present, that I might be a small reflection of the love that God shows his own children and that I might point my own baby toward, I dearly hope, someday trusting in Jesus for himself. For it is in Jesus alone that we can have true eternal life. I hope that someday I can truly echo Paul in believing “to live is Christ and to die is gain” (Philippians 1:21), for death for those who trust in Jesus will mean “depart[ing] and being with Christ, which is better by far” (Philippians 1:23). I still feel tearful when I think of how ultimately we all will die, be it today or in 100 years, but I hope that I will be able to grow in my faith in the unfailing hope that is in Jesus. This is so very hard though, which is why, as our family’s pastor so wisely says, we need to “daily rehearse the gospel” – including through letting other fellow believers speak into our lives, and through our own individual seeking of the LORD through prayer and reading of his Word. How I need to rehearse the gospel, for my heart is so prone to worry and fear, especially as related to those I love most dearly.

Before I close, I feel it may be helpful for me to meditate on Paul’s prayer for the Ephesians (3:14-21), which, as a side note, is actually the same passage that my husband and I prayed over our baby when he was dedicated at our church this past Mother’s Day. I love this passage for many reasons, including its expression of God’s Trinitarian nature, its description of the very real weight of love, its reminder of God’s character of love and power, its celebration of the fullness that comes through relationship with Jesus – both in this present life and eternally.

Ephesians 3:14-21 New International Version (NIV)

Prayer for the Ephesians

14 For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15 from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

If my husband and I are praying that our baby will ultimately be able to trust in Jesus and have him “dwell in [his] heart through faith” (which we fervently are), we would do well to pray that God would help us both as parents to live lives that reflect to our baby what it looks like to be rooted and established in Jesus. How I need the Holy Spirit’s help as I seek to trust the LORD not only with my life, but with the lives of those I hold most dear.

The Nursery

Posted on by Chel

This Sunday was a momentous occasion in that it marked the very first time we left our baby in the church nursery. This day has been a very long time in coming, as my husband and I have talked about the importance of putting our baby in the nursery for months – we want him to be able to socialize with other adults and children, we want to encourage and foster his seemingly friendly and outgoing personality, we do not want our own anxieties to hold him back, we want him to feel he can enjoy being with us but that he also can enjoy being apart from us (being securely enough attached that he can also trust we will return). We want him to be a part of a larger community, and not to feel as though he needs to hide from the world. And my husband and I also realize it is important for us to have time as adults as well, including time to focus un-interrupted on the sermon and to speak with other adults. Yet fine though all these reasons may be in theory, acting upon them has been painfully challenging for me. I first asked my husband if we could wait until March when our baby would be 6 months old. When March came, I reasoned that as it was still flu season – and a particularly bad one, at that – perhaps we ought to wait until May; my husband patiently agreed with the caveat that we indeed follow through soon. But then May came, along with a variety of other excuses I manufactured – on Mother’s Day I wanted to keep baby with me, the following week family was coming and we surely didn’t want him to get sick, Memorial Day Weekend was a holiday. The first weekend of June slipped quietly by with an all-church service in the park that left me breathing a sigh of relief as childcare was not even an option. But then, before I knew it, this second weekend of June arrived and I was nearly out of excuses.

I must confess that on Saturday night, I purposefully did not confirm with my husband that we were indeed going to finally put our baby in the nursery, and I also did not pack baby’s diaper bag or plan any other practical details. I did not even set an alarm for this Sunday morning; I told my husband that surely our baby would serve as our alarm clock – he usually is ready to say hello to the world between 5 and 7am every morning – although I secretly hoped that baby would somehow happen to oversleep. In sum, I was being avoidant and feeling very ambivalent. This Sunday morning, during breakfast – a mere 20 minutes before we needed to leave for church – I carefully asked my husband what we were going to do with our baby during service. My husband lovingly but also firmly reminded me that today was the day that we were going to introduce him to nursery! I suppose in my heart I already knew what my husband would say, as we had previously discussed this tentatively earlier in the week, but I am not proud to say that I began to find a surprising number of ways to stall as well as to fabricate more excuses as to why today should not yet be nursery day.

Stalling included carefully unpacking, then repacking, baby’s diaper bag, slooooowly choosing an outfit and dressing baby, checking his diaper just one more time, gathering and packing an unprecedented number of teethers, filling a water bottle for him even though he had just finished breakfast and nursing, looking for a bib that matched his outfit…the list could go on. Excuses – which I worked to make not only the majority of the time that we were still at home getting ready but also during most of the car drive to church – included wondering if this is truly the best time to leave our baby (as he is still in the “stranger danger” developmental phase), worrying that he will cry too much and get too sad and stressed, fearing that he will catch a bug and get sick, noting there is no “real” reason to choose to put him in the nursery over the summer as he does relatively well and I like having him close as well as worshipping with him, wondering if fall would be a better time to start…this list could also go on. The excuses I raised were all real concerns that I have, but – as my husband loving and graciously pointed out while also patiently hearing and validating me – when will I truly ever find the “right” time to put baby in the nursery, a time when I do not feel any worry or concern? Or, for that matter, when will I ever truly feel ready to do anything else that involves letting baby go? While to some extent it is appropriate for me to “baby” our baby – as he is still literally more or less a baby – I need to also support his growth and development in healthy ways, which will often likely entail lovingly equipping him and then giving him opportunities to venture out in the world in ways both small and big.

But to do this, I so desperately need the support of my husband, because I want to just hold my baby so tightly and never let go. Which is why even though it was painfully hard for me, I am so thankful that my husband was so patient and gentle and loving with me but that he also firmly followed through with taking our baby to the nursery as we had planned. My husband reassured me that we needed to at least show up, and that even 5 minutes would be a success. But once we took baby down to the nursery – 17 minutes late, due to all my stalling – the ladies in the nursery exuded a kind, caring, competent, loving confidence that inspired at least a little bit of confidence and trust in my husband and me and also, I think, our baby. Almost before I knew it, I found myself telling my baby I love him while my husband passed him off to one of the grandmothers in the nursery, and as baby started looking at the mobiles I was walking down the hallway with my husband, and up the stairs, and into the sanctuary. I started to tear up as soon as we walked away, and missed baby right away, and anxiously kept an eye on the small screen at the front of the church that is dedicated to paging parents when their respective babies or children need them. I also carefully kept checking my phone, noting with amazement that 10 minutes had gone by, then 20 minutes, then 45 minutes…and due to our tardy arrival, it was then time to go back down to get our baby.

I flew down the stairs, and upon arriving in the nursery area and surrounding hallways, I found…our baby was fine! And so was I, and so was my husband. In fact, I think we were all more than fine. The ladies in the nursery reported that while baby had experienced some moments of crying, they walked him in the hallways and even let him sit in the kindergarten room to watch the bigger children. Our baby’s little rosy cheeks were even dry when my husband and I came to get him, and as soon as I gathered him into my arms and squeezed him close, he smiled not only at me and my husband but also at the ladies in the nursery. I loved seeing how he could enjoy being with other people, and I also greatly appreciated how the ladies were so kind and treated our baby like his own dear little person.

As we went with our baby back to the car, I think we all felt particularly happy and close and proud and relieved and thankful. I know that having been away from my baby for even such a short time, I was especially delighted to be reunited with him again, as was my husband. And our baby seemed especially happy to be with us too, and was particularly smiley and laughy when riding in his carseat. And his jovial mood continued while adventuring with us at the outdoor mall for a sweet Sunday afternoon outing that also included a shared – between my husband and me – banana peanut butter chocolate donut and a cold brew coffee – our very first. While taking our baby to the nursery was a hard step to take, and, I am sure, will still be in the future, overall I am left feeling so thankful – thankful for my husband and how he was so gentle yet firm, and so strong when I most needed him; thankful for our dear baby; thankful for the loving nursery workers; thankful that my husband and I were able to share a few moments in service where he was able to put his arm around me like he did before our baby; thankful that we could then all be back together again and sharing the rest of the day; thankful that we can all be growing together, each in our own ways.