Category: Blog

My Idol of “Rightness”

Posted on by Chel

As a One on the Enneagram, I find myself constantly striving for “rightness”—in myself, in those around me, in my relationships, in my mothering, in the world. While this constant drive for improvement can leave me looking somewhat okay on the outside, recently I feel the Holy Spirit has been convicting me that my pursuit of rightness, when not redeemed, is really just an idol I’m running toward instead of truly loving Jesus and others. Pursuing rightness apart from Jesus leaves my hidden heart just as sinful as ever in spite of how I might outwardly look, in a state similar to the Pharisees whom Jesus called out for appearing righteous in spite of their inward hypocrisy and wickedness (Matt. 23:28).

In my heart, I can easily become proud, foolishly believing that I know the right or best way to be or to think, and my striving for perfection is closely linked to my propensity for doing and my tendency towards trying to control not only myself but also those around me and my environment. However, as I live in a fallen world, am myself sinful, and am also surrounded by other sinful people, I obviously constantly find myself and others falling dismally short in various areas of life. When I or others inevitably fall short of the “right” or “fair” or “perfect thing”, I often find myself inwardly struggling with feeling angry and anxious, and becoming judgmental and critical. Clearly I am not loving Jesus or others well in my heart if these are my inward responses.

My initial inclination, upon recognizing this sin in my heart, is to want to just try to do better—yet ultimately this is just another way of me trying to move more towards rightness by my own strength, and of running towards what is “right” instead of running toward Jesus. Loving Jesus and running after him will help me to continue to want to live rightly, but my heart in doing so will be different. Rather than becoming caught up in my own strivings for rightness, I want and need the Holy Spirit to continue to help me see and know and understand and experience the glory of who Jesus is, and the grace and life that he has lavished so freely upon me and all believers.

2:1 And you were dead in the trespasses and sins…4 But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, 5 even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— 6 and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, 7 so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. 8 For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, 9 not a result of works, so that no one may boast. 10 For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

Ephesians 2:1, 4-10 (ESV)

It was far from right or fair that Jesus died me—for I could never do enough right to earn this sacrifice. Yet he chose to sacrifice himself for me, and poured grace and love upon me even though I was far from deserving. And if the Holy Spirit continues to grow my understanding the extent of his love and grace, how can my heart help but respond by being deeply humbled, unspeakably grateful, and filled with the worship and praise of Jesus? And how can my heart and my ensuing actions not be motivated increasingly by loving Jesus in response to his love, and then loving others as an overflow?

Even as I grow in resting in the grace received in Jesus, I imagine I will always care about what is right, and I hope that this passion, when redeemed, will even contribute to me faithfully accomplishing the “good works” that God has prepared for me to do. But I think I will begin to care about rightness in a different sort of way that is filled with more love and grace in my response to others rather than being motivated by a heart solely fixated on rightness itself. I pray that the Holy Spirit may continue to grow me in resting in the grace I have received from Jesus, and that from this place I may then grow in loving Jesus, my family, and others with a genuinely gracious and loving heart.

Letting Go

Posted on by Chel

I have been experiencing situations in life recently – including navigating my husband’s work transitions, progressing through pregnancy, contemplating impending labor, mourning the illness of an extended family member, journeying in my ongoing role of mothering – that continue to remind me that I have such a hard time letting go, especially letting go of control. It is so hard for me to let go of my emotions, to let go of my plans or efforts to bring about a certain outcome, to let go of people I love.

I think that my difficulty with letting go is closely linked to fear; if I am being honest with myself, I am afraid: Afraid of letting myself be vulnerable in truly feeling the depth of my emotions in all their messiness (and letting others see me feeling these emotions), afraid of acknowledging (and feeling the reality of) the heartache of not being able to ensure the earthly wellbeing of all those I love, afraid of things falling apart if I don’t actively hold them together, afraid of the choices loved ones will make if I don’t micromanage them, afraid of the unknown, afraid that I won’t be able to bear what I feel or experience if I let go. I am afraid of acknowledging my desperate fragility, my weakness, the uncertainty of this early life, and my utter inability to actually hold all things together. I’m afraid to be alone in what I feel and fear, and yet I also am afraid to let others into this experience.

There is a part of me that wants to always be in control, and yet deep down I realize that control is only an illusion – only God is truly in control. And while I know ultimately it is far better that he is in control, I feel so vulnerable when faced with the prospect of letting go. And my fear makes me want to cling all the more tightly to this illusion of control, even though doing so can often be isolating, exhausting, painful, soul-crushing, and ultimately futile.

I wonder if the only way to truly practice letting go of control is to trust – to practice trusting Jesus, loved ones, and even myself. Trusting feels so vulnerable and hard, and yet when those in whom I place my trust prove to indeed be trustworthy, I know it also can be so profoundly connecting, revitalizing, healing, life-giving, and hope-inducing.

I feel I need to daily be reminded of the gospel, including that ultimately the most trustworthy Someone in whom I can place my trust is Jesus. Jesus is perfectly faithful and trustworthy, and not only this – he actually is the source of all life and continues to hold all things together! Who better to trust in and simultaneously practice letting go with – or rather, handing over to – than Jesus? He actually can hold all things together, and will even someday make all things right, even if life includes experiences of pain. Surely it is far better that he is in control than I. And I hope that continually practicing placing my trust in Jesus will give me courage to continue to also practice trusting other loved ones instead of holding so tightly to my own individual experiences – which I suppose is a small testimony to Jesus’ supremacy and of the reconciliation and closeness of relationship that is made possible through him.

115 The Son is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. 16 For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him. 17 He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. 18 And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. 19 For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, 20 and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross.

Colossians 1:15-20 (NIV)

Celebrating We

Posted on by Chel

This past week marked a significant milestone in my professional life – I finally completed my clinical hours and can apply for full licensure as a marriage and family therapist. My husband so sweetly marked this occasion with having a little surprise celebration ready for me upon my return from work. But truly, I think instead of celebrating me, we were and are really celebrating “we”.

I used to have a very individualistic understanding of life, including in how I took pride in “my” work and “my” efforts and “my” accomplishments. I felt as though “my” time was just that – mine – and that how I chose to spend it and what impact these choices had was largely my own business. Looking back, I realize that truly time and accomplishments were never really only my own – every moment is a gift from the LORD, as are any talents or resources that I may have. And from the time I was small what I did was only made possible by the love and support of family and friends. Yet I often failed to realize my need of others, and became overly focused on my ability to choose and to do.

Just how much of an illusion the idea of “my” time and efforts and accomplishments is – and really always was – has become evident to me in such tangible ways since becoming married and linking my life to that of my husband’s, and even more so since having a baby. With each day that passes, I realize increasingly clearly that whatever I do requires sacrifice and means that I am not doing something else – and that this has large implications for those closest to me, especially my husband and toddler. Motherhood is also incredibly humbling, in that I realize quickly and often the limits of my own capabilities and energies and efforts, and repeatedly learn that I can really only “accomplish” anything with the support of loved ones and by grace of God.

I am so grateful I have a husband who loves me so well and so generously, and a toddler who has been so flexible. The completion of my licensure hours is all the more meaningful to me since it is such a tangible reminder of all of the love and care and support of those I love most dearly – my husband and toddler as well as so many other family members, friends, teachers, mentors, and supervisors. I am so thankful my husband and I can celebrate this milestone together while continuing to be on this adventure of life with one another and striving to love one another well. As I believe is true in most of life, I find accomplishment is sweetest when shared and made possible in the context of meaningful relationship.

Anger

Posted on by Chel

Lately I have been thinking a bit about anger and its relationship to fear and control. My toddler now clearly feels and expresses a whole range of emotions, and does so in such a visible and visceral manner. This is beautiful and refreshing in its own way, and leads to many sweet moments of such tangible joy and laughter and wonder. And yet, as a little person, he of course also feels emotions such as sadness and anger. I notice that his anger, often times expressed through hitting or throwing, can at times feel like a crisis to me. This can seem like a crisis not because Bubsy experiences anger (which is a healthy part of being human), but because it elicits in me a sense of fear and need to control.

A wise person in my life said something to the effect that many difficulties in parenting arise when we parent out of fear of the future rather than in response to the current situation. I certainly see this being true for me, as while Bubsy’s hitting makes me sad and sometimes even physically hurts me or others a little bit, the true difficulty for me is that I can slip into a place of fearing for his future – What if he gets labelled as “bad” or a “bully” by others because of how he sometimes hits, and this prevents him from making friends? What if his hitting gets worse and worse as he gets bigger? What if my husband and I are “bad” parents because we don’t respond in the “right” way? What even is the “right” way to respond? What if everything spirals out of control and we fail Bubsy?

I tend to be one who internalizes what I am feeling and who initially wants to push down negative emotions, which means that often much of what I feel manifests as anxiety. Growing up I certainly had a hard time experiencing anger; I had difficulty even acknowledging that I felt anger let alone knowing what to do with it. And this is still a struggle today, although I have been working on it, along with the help of numerous wise people speaking into my life and challenging me and modeling healthy expressions of anger. Which means when my toddler so clearly feels and expresses anger, there is a part of me that is glad that he can express it and that wants to support him in learning to express it well, but there is also a part of me that really does not know how to respond and wants to just control his anger or force it to go away.

Another wise person in my life recently listened to my concerns about my toddler’s anger and affirmed that it is actually great that Bubsy is expressing himself. He encouraged me to think of this as an opportunity for me and my husband to help Bubsy learn to experience anger without resorting to either extreme of “freaking out” or “shutting down” – and in doing so, to practice this for ourselves as adults as well. This ground is rich with the possibility of learning to do something new, to break generational patterns pertaining to the experience of and expression of anger – and in doing so to catch small glimpses of the Kingdom now as by God’s grace relationship with Jesus makes it possible to change even longstanding patterns.

I used to think that all anger is “bad”, but today my understanding is beginning to go something like this: Anger is a sign that something is wrong, but that something can be nuanced and identifying it often takes some reflection. What is wrong may fall in the category of: (1) I am doing something wrong (e.g., I am being sinful in an interaction and am hurting someone else; perhaps I am being selfish or judgmental or entitled or controlling, etc.); (2) someone else is doing something hurtful (e.g., their own sin is coming in to play and they have done something to hurt me); (3) something is wrong in the world (as the world is impacted by the Fall, there are countless painful things that now happen even though they were not originally meant to); or (4) any combination of the above.

If this is truly the case, then acknowledging anger provides opportunities for responding in adaptive and even helpful ways – for adults, this might mean having loving yet honest conversations with those involved pertaining to issues contributing to anger and seeking resolution (which can actually strengthen relationships!), praying and repenting when needed, making changes in situations contributing to anger, acknowledging the reality of sin and brokenness and bringing this to Jesus, learning to make space for emotions without having to act directly out of them, and so on. For a toddler, this might mean finding words to express what is wrong, asking for help in identifying the problem and offering responses, learning to use coping skills, beginning to practice skills pertaining to sharing and being flexible, and more. Anger does not need to be a “scary” or “dangerous”, and even can be a helpful indicator that change is needed or that we need to practice relating to others or the world in new ways.

And this is a much more hopeful and much less fear-based response to anger. Instead of needing to control my toddler’s anger, I can lean into it and view it as an opportunity for growth and change and trusting in Jesus – both for Bubsy as well as for me and my husband. Even though this growth is hard, I am thankful for this opportunity to experience something new, and am hopeful that by God’s grace he can use even this to make me and those I love more like Jesus.

Out of Death Comes Life

Posted on by Chel

During this Easter season, I’ve been reflecting on how the beauty and the joy of life is all the more profound when juxtaposed with the reality of sin and brokenness and suffering and death. And yet I think for me as an individual, as well as for me as a part of the larger Christian community and American culture, it can be uncomfortable and challenging to let myself acknowledge and sit in the reality of said sin and brokenness and suffering and death instead of just focusing on – or trying to look like I’m focusing on – only the positive. But I think failing to acknowledge the reality of the complex intermingling of emotions ranging from joy to sorrow as part of being human actually prevents me from truly experiencing fullness of life – in relationship with Jesus, in relationship with others, and even in relationship with myself.

The reason I think this is that, as much as I wish this weren’t the case, neither I nor anyone else I have ever met is perfect. And, we all live in an imperfect world. Which means that while there is kindness and love and beauty and joy in life, the reality of pain and things being less than they ought to be is all too evident. I might choose to try to ignore these painful realities, but if I do, I believe I actually am hurting myself and others because I am failing to give these things over to Jesus, repent and make changes where I can, have honest conversations with others, and work to do what I can to support change and justice in the world around me, including in everyday relationships. When I insist that everything is “fine”, I am actually contributing to things becoming even less fine.

And yet I’ve been realizing that this need to acknowledge brokenness and the difficulty in doing so leaves me in quite an uncomfortable position much of the time. I am the type of person that likes to try my best; that wants to be vulnerable but is afraid of making mistakes, being rejected, or being judged; that really wishes that I and everyone around me could just be perfect so that I could honestly say everything is indeed fine instead of only smiling and pretending it is. But while I may try to put on a brave face, I know this is impossible. And desperately trying to create and maintain a façade of perfectionism is ultimately exhausting and soul crushing and leads to a very shallow, hollow, and empty way of life, as I can personally attest to. This way of living sucks the life out of the individual, but also out of relationships and community.

In contrast, striving to be honest, authentic, vulnerable, and humble is simultaneously terrifying and breathtakingly beautiful and freeing. This is something I wrestle with and often fall short of daily, yet something I also think I have been becoming more intentional in and, by God’s grace, in which I am slowly growing. To be imperfect and yet to be loved is a beautiful thing – and this is something that we all can experience in Jesus as well as in relationships with loved ones. And this seems especially fitting to reflect upon at Easter time, the season in which we acknowledge that our individual and corporate sin is so serious and grave that justice can only be obtained by the grave. No matter how “perfect” we may try to look on the outside, all of our relationships, be it with God or with fellow human beings, are bound to entail brokenness, hurt, and pain. None of us can stand before a holy God, none of us can be in relationship with him by our own merit, none of us can even prevent ourselves from hurting those we love most dearly in some way or another.

And yet, JESUS! Through his sacrifice on the cross, Jesus, who was indeed perfect, died the death that I and everyone else deserves in order to bring about true justice and the possibility of true relationship. And the grave could not hold him! If we trust in Jesus for salvation, death will also not ultimately hold us, for someday we have hope of eternal life with Jesus in a world where we are fully sanctified and all has been made right. The power of sin and brokenness and pain and suffering has been and will continue to be overcome in Jesus, so I no longer need to fear being honest about present painful realities. To me, hope of living in a world where all will truly be made right someday and in which we even get glimpses of growth and restoration now when we authentically engage in relationship with Jesus and others and self is far better than the alternative of instead living in a shadow world in which I am merely pretending to believe that things are fine enough while in reality brokenness prevails around me.

It is my prayer that the hope I have in Jesus and the life he has made possible will give me the courage to continue to try to be honest and vulnerable in how I approach myself, others, and the world around me, so that I can experience growth and change now while looking forward to the promise of fully perfected sanctification, restoration, and reconciliation that Jesus will bring when he comes again.

May we acknowledge the painful reality of sin and brokenness and suffering and death so that we may be able to receive and celebrate and live the true life that Jesus our Savior made possible when he died for us and then rose again. He is risen! He is risen indeed! And in him we truly may live.

Romans 5 English Standard Version (ESV)
Peace with God Through Faith
5 Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. 2 Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
6 For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. 7 For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— 8 but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. 9 Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. 10 For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life.11 More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.

Jesus is Better

Posted on by Chel

“Jesus is better.” I have been reflecting often on this phrase since I heard a man share this short yet profound statement in the conclusion of his testimony at church a few months ago.

I say that I want to believe Jesus is better, but do I truly believe this, in my heart of hearts? I have really been wrestling with this lately, especially as it pertains to those I love most dearly. As I have written about before, I really struggle with trusting the LORD with those I love, especially my baby and my husband. Do I truly believe that Jesus is better than my baby’s well-being, or my husband’s? Do I really believe that any suffering and loss and pain endured in this life will pale in comparison to the eternal life and hope and joy that we have in Jesus?

It is not even that I have been experiencing any real suffering lately; it is more that I find myself so often afraid of what the (earthly) future may hold. Yet I keep feeling convicted that if I truly believed that Jesus is better, if I really trusted in God’s sovereignty and goodness, if I genuinely understood in my heart (leb) the incomparable glory and joy of a future with Jesus, this present life would be put in its proper place – as in I would be free to love with vulnerable abandon in the present and make the most of every opportunity while keeping my eyes fixed on Jesus. But instead, I find myself often becoming so fixated on my fear of loss that I cling tightly and try to control in order to “ensure” well-being. Yet if I am completely honest, I realize that my “control” is only an illusion, that well-being in this life is not guaranteed, and that if anything my striving for control mostly just makes me less able to be present in loving those I most want to love.

So I find myself praying often that the Holy Spirit would be helping me to truly know that Jesus is better, that he would help me to love and trust Jesus, that he would give me faith. That by the help of the Holy Spirit – whom Jesus promised to his followers in John 14 – I would learn to abide in Jesus, the only True Vine (John 15) by trusting, praying, and remaining obedient. That in doing so I would experience the fullness of true and lasting joy that can only be found in Jesus, that is not of this world, and that is not contingent upon earthly circumstances. And that as the Holy Spirit helps me, I would bear fruit and glorify God by truly being able to keep Jesus’ commandment of loving one another as he has loved all of his followers.

John 15:1-12 English Standard Version (ESV)

I Am the True Vine

15:1 “I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. 2 Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. 3 Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. 4 Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. 5 I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. 6 If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. 7 If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. 8 By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples. 9 As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. 10 If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love. 11 These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full. 12 This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.”

 

One!

Posted on by Chel

This past weekend our dear little baby turned one! It was such a special time of love and of presence, and of celebration – of our baby, and of God’s work in his and our lives. The night before Baby’s birthday, after he was fast asleep, my husband and I decorated downstairs with balloons and streamers and birthday signs and party hats and noisemakers, and set out his wrapped presents. (We found ourselves growing so excited that we wanted to run upstairs to wake Baby up and show him the festivities he had in store; it was just so sweet to be able to lovingly plan for his special day.) The next morning, Baby was indeed amazed and delighted by the decorations; he pointed at the streamers and touched the signs, and especially loved pointing at and playing with his birthday balloons (which, thankfully, did not pop).

And decorations were just the beginning of a birthday filled with special surprises. We made Baby breakfast pancakes. We video chatted with family – they even sang him “Happy Birthday”, and he got to show them his new presents. He played with his new toys – he especially seemed to love his new toy train – and of course had to do some napping as well to replenish his birthday spirits. He also put up with a birthday photoshoot in an adorable birthday outfit that included suspenders and a matching little bowtie – although how squirmy and busy he now is made it much more challenging to take his one year pictures than his one month pictures.

In the afternoon, Nana and Papa arrived to join the celebration. Baby got to enjoy playing with them and even helped Papa and Daddy assemble his toy car track – said “helping” which included him holding the directions and hiding a piece or two. For dinner he got to enjoy birthday meatballs, followed by…birthday cake!!! He admired his cake and intently watched the candle while we sang him happy birthday, and then we gave him a slice. Right away he got blue icing all over his face and nose and hands, and then he grabbed the cake and shoved it right into his mouth. His little face quickly moved from surprise to glee, and he smiled and squealed and squished his hands and kicked his feet and quickly took another bite. As he became full, he then began to admire his blue hands and to study the texture of the cake and, of course, to smile around at all of us to make sure we saw how delightful this new experience was. And, indeed, it was delightful for all of us – his joy was contagious, and we were all full of smiles and laughter and gratitude in getting to witness and join in with his delight. He got a wonderful sugar rush from his cake, and was able to stay up nearly two hours past his regular bedtime to play and enjoy his birthday just a little longer before drifting off to sleep. And the celebrations extended into the rest of the weekend, other highlights of which included a botanical garden adventure, trying his first French fry, more playing and even snuggles with Nana and Papa, and shared enjoyment with the family.

All in all, I think it was a very sweet first birthday, which seemed a fitting way to celebrate what has been a very sweet first year with our dear Baby. I hope Baby felt very celebrated and special and loved; I certainly know that we love him and cherished this weekend with him. I find myself often wanting to press pause and save a moment forever, but as a wise colleague of mine often encourages me to do, I am trying to be a “sponge” and “soak up” these moments by being present in them and having a grateful heart. And we truly do have so much to be grateful for – my husband and I love our baby so much we can hardly contain it. As often seems to be the case for me in parenthood, I find I do not have adequate words to express the depth of love I have for my baby or how profound parenthood is or how thankful I am. The other day, my husband expressed that seeing Baby smile and hearing him laugh often leads my husband to feel as though he is about to cry because of how much he loves Baby; this is something I too feel more often than I can say – there is often a sense of my heart simply overflowing. The LORD has been so gracious to us and our baby this past year, and we are so humbled and so grateful for how he has been sustaining us and caring for us.

The milestone of Baby’s first birthday also prompted me and my husband to reflect on our baby, how he has grown, and how God has been at work in Baby’s and our lives this year. We are so thankful for our baby, for his joyful and friendly spirit, his contagious laughter, his insatiable curiosity, his playful antics, his quick smile, his tendency to express his emotions with his whole being, his snuggles, his hugs, his “ojitos”, the way he loves to copy us, the sound of his little yawns in our ears when we hold him close before bedtime, the way he sleeps with his bottom up in a pyramid, how when he “walks” holding our hands he sticks his tummy out, the messy curl to his hair, his perfectly chubby baby feet, the way he loves to try new food, the way he looks to us to share enjoyment, his flexibility and willingness to try new things…the list could of course go on endlessly. How he has grown since we first met him a year ago, and how we love getting to know him better each day as he continues to develop into his own little person.

As my husband and I reflect on how we hope God will continue to be at work in our baby’s life in the future, we pray that Baby will grow up knowing he is loved by Jesus, by us, and by family and friends – and that as he grows, he will come to reciprocate this love by loving Jesus, us, and others. It seems fitting to close with the verse that we often pray over Baby, and in which we ourselves have also found much hope and encouragement:

Ephesians 3:14-19 New International Version (NIV)

 14 For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15 from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love,18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

We love you, Baby. May you always be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Happy One! (:

First Flight Home

Posted on by Chel

Baby is now quite the little traveler! This past month he – and we – had a huge adventure in that we flew to visit our families for two weeks. My husband and I had been anticipating this trip for months, and felt great excitement and expectation but also some uncertainty about the logistics, as travelling with a baby felt like such unknown territory. Amidst trying to prepare as much as we could, we decided that we wanted to try to focus on connection and presence, while also trying to consider both the ups and downs that would occur as an adventure. And it turns out that, as anticipated, our family trip certainly was an adventure – an adventure that was deeply meaningful and filled with love, and that also included many firsts.

One big first was that Baby had his very first plane flight! After days of packing and anticipation and preparation we arrived at the airport with: 2 large suitcases to check, one heavy car seat in a neon yellow carrying bag, one stroller, Baby’s carry-on suitcase, Baby’s large diaper bag, Baby’s small diaper backpack, a computer bag, a baby carrier, and – Baby!!! My husband and I could not help but laugh at ourselves when we saw all that we were carrying along with us and when we reflected on how much our lives have changed since previous flights we have taken together as a couple.

In particular we remembered back to our honeymoon, when, waiting at the gate, we saw a harried young mother with her children, bustling around looking stressed and rushed and generally overwhelmed. I remember us watching her with wonder as we noticed how different our lives seemed to be from hers, in a way that was hard to fathom. Sitting so quietly as a couple, we felt as though flying was a restful time to sit close to one another and talk and read and play games – in sum, almost a vacation in and of itself. In contrast, flying looked to be the hardest of work for that young mother. We thought of that particular mother several times on this trip, and couldn’t help but find humor in how many things we had and how much more cumbersome it was to get around and how, in all likelihood, to others we had become the frazzled young parents. We are now beginning to appreciate flying for the great logistical feat it is, at least when flying with children! I can only imagine what I will feel if we ever have any more kids – although some grandmothers who were admiring Baby in the airport jokingly shared with us that while you pack everything for your first baby, as number of children increase you become increasingly minimalistic until you likely reach a point where all you believe you need is a diaper, a change of clothes, and perhaps a snack. If that is indeed true, what we brought on our first flight for Baby could someday suffice for a family of about 20!

Yet in all seriousness, while I think both my husband and I felt some stress and pressure around logistical details, and we sometimes miss aspects of our more “carefree” days as just two, we wouldn’t trade being three for anything in the world. Our stress was undoubtedly overshadowed by the deep joy and delight and love we felt for one another, and by our sense of gratitude for being able to go somewhere as an entire family. I must also note that, in spite of all my initial concern, Baby actually was a natural traveler. After a quick nap in the airport to replenish his spirits, he was able to enjoy watching planes out the window of the airport from up on Daddy’s shoulders. Once on the airplane we sat so that I – with Baby on my lap – was next to the window, and Daddy was in the middle. Baby loved looking out the window during takeoff, and my husband and I loved sharing this special moment with him. It was a beautiful moment in so many ways – it was during that magical twilight hour when the sun was low in the sky and light took on a mysterious and beautiful quality. The sky was alight in orange and red contrasted with the deep purple and blue of the thunderstorms brewing below us, and the clouds had a quality that was simultaneously both substantial and fleeting. Our dear baby gazed out the window and we pointed at the sky and the various lights in view – from both the plane wing as well as the city and car lights growing ever more distant below. Sitting next to my husband, with both of us enjoying our baby enjoying this unprecedented experience of the world, my heart felt so full. After gazing out the window for awhile, our little baby fell asleep in the baby sling against my chest. Never have I had such a cozy and snuggly flight – and how I am trying to soak up these moments of closeness while my dear baby is still small enough to snuggle against me in this way.

Once we landed, we spent a week with Daddy’s family and then a week with Mommy’s family. We had some grand moments, but so many of the little everyday moments were just as special. It was also such a priceless experience to get to participate in the layering of favorite old memories with the creation of new memories. Following are some of the especially notable moments I have been cherishing:

Moments with Daddy’s family:

  • Family time in the giant church van – Grandpa, Grandma, both uncles, Mommy, Daddy, and Baby all got to ride together! Baby loved getting to interact with everyone while driving, and also seemed quite amazed at looking out the giant windows from such a tall vantage point.
  • Family brunch – This is something we used to love to do before Baby, and it was even more special and enjoyable doing with him along. Brunch seemed to suit him just as well as it does us!
  • First time seeing the ocean – As a family, we visited the oceanside city where my husband and I had our very first official date. We told Baby this is where it all began.
  • Strolling with Grandpa – He looked so proud and happy pushing Baby in his stroller.
  • Reading with Grandma – Baby was especially delighted when she read him and his stuffed doggy toy a doggy book that even included her making barking sound effects.
  • First time at a theme park – He even got to watch his uncle perform at a show here, and seemed so excited about the music!
  • Playing with his uncles – They connected in many playful yet tender moments and genuine joy. I love seeing this new side of my husband’s and my brothers.
  • Meeting great grandparents – He even got a family picture with four generations! He is the first great grandchild – just like he is the first grandchild for both my and my husband’s parents.
  • Entering in to community – Baby got to meet Grandma and Grandpa’s church community, and many family friends, and was welcomed with love.
  • Meeting Mommy’s friends – He got to meet some of my dear college friends.
  • Seeing Baby’s delight in being around other people – He truly seemed to light up, even though he also got sleepy by the end of the day. He seems to be a truly social little bub.
  • Date nights – It was so refreshing to have Grandma and Grandpa babysit after we put Baby to bed, so we could go out!
  • Baby’s remarkable flexibility – I learn about flexibility through being a parent, but also can learn about it from my baby’s example. He is remarkably good at being present and trying new things!

Moments with Mommy’s family:

  • First time staying in a hotel – We stayed as a family in a hotel near where Baby’s uncle lives; Baby not only got to enjoy extra family time but also treats such as breakfast in the lobby and snuggles in bed with my husband and I as we watched a late night movie.
  • Playing with uncle – I loved seeing them mutually delight in one another. Uncle hadn’t seen Baby since baby was a newborn, so the ways he has grown were especially apparent and enjoyable.
  • First time playing in the sand and getting in the ocean (just his toes) – He seemed to love it, and kept trying to tug us back to the waves when we held on to his hands to help him “walk”. He was initially alarmed by the sand sticking to his hands and feet, but once he realized it was okay, he seemed to relish the messiness. I too love playing in sand!
  • First time going swimming in the pool and hot tub – He got to swim with Nana and Papa in my childhood home, where I myself used to love to swim when I was Baby’s age. He also loved sitting in Mister Crab, the cute little floatie toy Nana and Papa got him.
  • Nana and Papa time – I loved seeing my parents delight in Baby in ways big and small, from swimming with him to imitating his sounds to sitting on the floor with him to being silly with him and just generally loving him. And I loved seeing him connect with them.
  • Making friends with a doggy – He got to meet my little childhood dog, who loves children. He was initially afraid of her, but quickly came around as he realized she was gentle and friendly.
  • Being a team – I really enjoyed how my husband and I got to grow in our relationship in the sense of being both an effective co-parenting team but also a couple.
  • Resting – It was so refreshing to have family around to both enjoy and help out with Baby. This means at times, my husband and I even got to rest at the same moment, and to go on some dates!

There are, of course, countless other memories I could share, and I would still not be able to fully capture how special of a time it was or how grateful I feel. Baby was so incredibly flexible and joyful and sociable and gracious and present, and I think my husband and I were indeed able to focus on connection and presence after all. While I think we all had moments of feeling tired, overall we all deeply cherished moments shared with family. There truly is nothing like being with family, and experiencing the multiplying sense of love and joy that occurs within and amongst family: my husband and I love our families and being around them, and love seeing Baby enjoy being with family, and seeing family enjoy being with him, which of course increases our own sense of love and joy – on and on in a recursive and seemingly infinite loop. Once again, my heart is so full.

 

Sleepy Smile

Posted on by Chel

Lately I have been enjoying moments of nursing more, especially as I increasingly see how quickly my baby is turning into a little boy – who will not be nursing forever. Nursing can be hard work, especially when I myself feel tired, but it also can be very sweet. One such sweet moment occurred earlier this week. I was tired after a long day, and was greatly looking forward to going to bed. I tried to creep quietly into bed so-as to not wake our baby (as he still sleeps in our room in his Pack n Play), but I was not quiet enough and he woke up crying. I snuggled him close to nurse, with my mind still on bed, but I spent a few moments gazing down as I nursed him. And as I did so, I was struck by how precious it is to be able to share these quiet, sleepy moments with him. This was an especially tender moment, as he was in such a soft and snuggly and gentle mood. He popped his head up from nursing, and in the darkness just barely illuminated by his one small bear nightlight, he smiled up at me and at my husband. His sleepy smile was the type of smile that was so big it took up his entire face; he squinted together his eyes and leaned back his head and showed all four of his dear little teeth. My husband and I soaked up this moment, treasuring it. And I pulled our baby close, and kissed him, and breathed in his baby smell, and felt his warmth and squishiness.

Messy

Posted on by Chel

My husband and I are finding that as our baby gets increasingly mobile – he can now “creep” about the floor remarkably quickly! – our home gets increasingly messy. Even when my husband and I try our best to tidy up the living room at the end of the day, just a few minutes after we come downstairs the following morning, toys and baby things are strewn about everywhere – cars, shapes, stackable cups, balls, rings, animals, teethers, puzzles, activity stations, stuffed animals, pillows, blankets and more. Sometimes all of these baby items make our relatively small living room feel too crowded and chaotic and unpredictable and out of control and disorganized…in a word, messy. But it also feels lived in, as all of these various items are reminders of moments shared in this space – moments of laughter and connection and learning and play, and also of tears and frustration. As our baby learns and grows, and as we learn and grow with him, messiness happens, but even our small and limited living room is proving capable of holding these experiences. This messy living room is the very space in which relationship and connection is occurring, and in which each day we are getting to know our dear little baby better and better – and, I hope, in which he is getting to know us. And when we think of this, my husband and I truly wouldn’t have it be any other way.

This tangible picture of messiness as a means of play – and therefore, connection – that I get to experience daily with my baby makes me think of the more abstract “messiness” of connection that I experience in relationship, particularly relationship with my husband. Lately my husband and I have been having some hard conversations within the “living room” of our marriage; while there is a part of me that wants to “clean up” this relational space instead of allowing complex emotions and different perspectives and sometimes contradictory desires and varying opinions and numerous needs and heavy stressors to get “strewn about”, doing so would actually mean our relationship was not particularly “lived in”, and would likely make it hard to truly be engaging with one another. So my husband and I have been trying our best to process our relationship by discussing how we each are experiencing one another and our marriage, how we are feeling known and loved well, and how we could be knowing and loving one another better – we are trying to “play” in our relational space with one another. This is sometimes hurtful and hard, and we both often fall short of how we aspire to love one another, but it is also usually ends up fostering greater mutual connection and closeness and knowing and learning and growing. And I think over the years, we are becoming increasingly able to trust in our love for one another within the messy “living room” of our marriage, and to then trust that this love is strong enough to hold the honesty of painful emotions, truths, and experiences alongside joyful experiences. Or, said another way, we are learning that our love for one another is strong enough and safe enough to hold mutual vulnerability, for even though we at times hurt one another – both intentionally and unintentionally – at the end of the day we know our hearts are for one another, and, by God’s grace, always will be.