Last night, while doing dishes, I listened to Risen Motherhood, one of my favorite podcasts. The episode turned out to be particularly timely for the eve of my thirtieth birthday in that Laura, one of the hosts, mentioned that she loves growing older because doing so is an opportunity to love Jesus more and become more like him. She finds there is a joy and security that comes in growing in relationship with him in this way, and that this growth and maturity can only be accomplished over time. Emily, the other host, added that loving God and doing great things for him often looks like being faithful in the everyday moments of our lives.
Then this morning, I turned thirty. And I was encouraged by the thoughts Laura and Emily shared on their podcast because, as I reflect on my life thus far as well as on my hopes for this new decade of life, I find that I most want to be faithful and to live a life that matters. The most significant thing I can do with my life is to love Jesus in increasing measure, which will also lead me to more faithfully love those around me. And these things are possible wherever I am, including quarantined with my little family for the indefinite future as the pandemic continues to ravage the globe.
Prior to thinking about the possibilities for meaningful love and growth that exist even now, I was feeling a bit discouraged. As a 1 on the Enneagram, I am constantly seeing ways that I and the world around me could be improved, and I love to dream and plan for the future. But now, in this time of pandemic and quarantine, life feels so uncertain, and so does planning. What will this new decade of my thirties look like? I honestly have no idea, as my illusions of control have been largely shattered. So many things have been stripped away, and I am left with the present—which, I suppose, is all I ever really had. I don’t know what tomorrow, or next week, or next month, or next year will look like.
Yet here, in the present, I still have a myriad of opportunities to devote myself to what really matters: to loving Jesus more, to becoming more like him, to pointing to him, and to growing in faithfulness in how I love my husband, my boys, and the friends and family in my life. If anything, this drastic restructuring of life as we know it gives me even more opportunities than before to grow in sanctification and maturity, for the testing of faith through trials produces steadfastness and patience, which lead to increasing holiness and even unshakeable joy in the Lord (see James 1:2-4).
This season might not look like what I had expected or even hoped. I’m still afraid of suffering, and often wish I could just make a plan that will “solve” everything. But this season is also precious and meaningful and has eternal significance. I pray that the Holy Spirit will be changing my heart, making me more trusting and open to God’s refining process even when this process is hard. As I now enter into my thirties, I pray too that God will be growing my patience and steadfastness, that he would be maturing me even when refinement comes through suffering, that he would give me the grace I need to be faithful, and that he would be growing me in love for Jesus and those around me until I am ready to someday stand before him and hear that I have indeed been faithful.
In closing, I will include the prayer from Colossians that my husband, who knows and loves me so well, wrote on my birthday card. It has always been one of my favorite prayers, and this is all the more true today as I look ahead to a new decade of growing:
“For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives, so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience.” — Colossians 1:9-11