Category: Faith

Out of Death Comes Life

Posted on by Chel

During this Easter season, I’ve been reflecting on how the beauty and the joy of life is all the more profound when juxtaposed with the reality of sin and brokenness and suffering and death. And yet I think for me as an individual, as well as for me as a part of the larger Christian community and American culture, it can be uncomfortable and challenging to let myself acknowledge and sit in the reality of said sin and brokenness and suffering and death instead of just focusing on – or trying to look like I’m focusing on – only the positive. But I think failing to acknowledge the reality of the complex intermingling of emotions ranging from joy to sorrow as part of being human actually prevents me from truly experiencing fullness of life – in relationship with Jesus, in relationship with others, and even in relationship with myself.

The reason I think this is that, as much as I wish this weren’t the case, neither I nor anyone else I have ever met is perfect. And, we all live in an imperfect world. Which means that while there is kindness and love and beauty and joy in life, the reality of pain and things being less than they ought to be is all too evident. I might choose to try to ignore these painful realities, but if I do, I believe I actually am hurting myself and others because I am failing to give these things over to Jesus, repent and make changes where I can, have honest conversations with others, and work to do what I can to support change and justice in the world around me, including in everyday relationships. When I insist that everything is “fine”, I am actually contributing to things becoming even less fine.

And yet I’ve been realizing that this need to acknowledge brokenness and the difficulty in doing so leaves me in quite an uncomfortable position much of the time. I am the type of person that likes to try my best; that wants to be vulnerable but is afraid of making mistakes, being rejected, or being judged; that really wishes that I and everyone around me could just be perfect so that I could honestly say everything is indeed fine instead of only smiling and pretending it is. But while I may try to put on a brave face, I know this is impossible. And desperately trying to create and maintain a façade of perfectionism is ultimately exhausting and soul crushing and leads to a very shallow, hollow, and empty way of life, as I can personally attest to. This way of living sucks the life out of the individual, but also out of relationships and community.

In contrast, striving to be honest, authentic, vulnerable, and humble is simultaneously terrifying and breathtakingly beautiful and freeing. This is something I wrestle with and often fall short of daily, yet something I also think I have been becoming more intentional in and, by God’s grace, in which I am slowly growing. To be imperfect and yet to be loved is a beautiful thing – and this is something that we all can experience in Jesus as well as in relationships with loved ones. And this seems especially fitting to reflect upon at Easter time, the season in which we acknowledge that our individual and corporate sin is so serious and grave that justice can only be obtained by the grave. No matter how “perfect” we may try to look on the outside, all of our relationships, be it with God or with fellow human beings, are bound to entail brokenness, hurt, and pain. None of us can stand before a holy God, none of us can be in relationship with him by our own merit, none of us can even prevent ourselves from hurting those we love most dearly in some way or another.

And yet, JESUS! Through his sacrifice on the cross, Jesus, who was indeed perfect, died the death that I and everyone else deserves in order to bring about true justice and the possibility of true relationship. And the grave could not hold him! If we trust in Jesus for salvation, death will also not ultimately hold us, for someday we have hope of eternal life with Jesus in a world where we are fully sanctified and all has been made right. The power of sin and brokenness and pain and suffering has been and will continue to be overcome in Jesus, so I no longer need to fear being honest about present painful realities. To me, hope of living in a world where all will truly be made right someday and in which we even get glimpses of growth and restoration now when we authentically engage in relationship with Jesus and others and self is far better than the alternative of instead living in a shadow world in which I am merely pretending to believe that things are fine enough while in reality brokenness prevails around me.

It is my prayer that the hope I have in Jesus and the life he has made possible will give me the courage to continue to try to be honest and vulnerable in how I approach myself, others, and the world around me, so that I can experience growth and change now while looking forward to the promise of fully perfected sanctification, restoration, and reconciliation that Jesus will bring when he comes again.

May we acknowledge the painful reality of sin and brokenness and suffering and death so that we may be able to receive and celebrate and live the true life that Jesus our Savior made possible when he died for us and then rose again. He is risen! He is risen indeed! And in him we truly may live.

Romans 5 English Standard Version (ESV)
Peace with God Through Faith
5 Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. 2 Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
6 For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. 7 For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— 8 but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. 9 Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. 10 For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life.11 More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.

Jesus is Better

Posted on by Chel

“Jesus is better.” I have been reflecting often on this phrase since I heard a man share this short yet profound statement in the conclusion of his testimony at church a few months ago.

I say that I want to believe Jesus is better, but do I truly believe this, in my heart of hearts? I have really been wrestling with this lately, especially as it pertains to those I love most dearly. As I have written about before, I really struggle with trusting the LORD with those I love, especially my baby and my husband. Do I truly believe that Jesus is better than my baby’s well-being, or my husband’s? Do I really believe that any suffering and loss and pain endured in this life will pale in comparison to the eternal life and hope and joy that we have in Jesus?

It is not even that I have been experiencing any real suffering lately; it is more that I find myself so often afraid of what the (earthly) future may hold. Yet I keep feeling convicted that if I truly believed that Jesus is better, if I really trusted in God’s sovereignty and goodness, if I genuinely understood in my heart (leb) the incomparable glory and joy of a future with Jesus, this present life would be put in its proper place – as in I would be free to love with vulnerable abandon in the present and make the most of every opportunity while keeping my eyes fixed on Jesus. But instead, I find myself often becoming so fixated on my fear of loss that I cling tightly and try to control in order to “ensure” well-being. Yet if I am completely honest, I realize that my “control” is only an illusion, that well-being in this life is not guaranteed, and that if anything my striving for control mostly just makes me less able to be present in loving those I most want to love.

So I find myself praying often that the Holy Spirit would be helping me to truly know that Jesus is better, that he would help me to love and trust Jesus, that he would give me faith. That by the help of the Holy Spirit – whom Jesus promised to his followers in John 14 – I would learn to abide in Jesus, the only True Vine (John 15) by trusting, praying, and remaining obedient. That in doing so I would experience the fullness of true and lasting joy that can only be found in Jesus, that is not of this world, and that is not contingent upon earthly circumstances. And that as the Holy Spirit helps me, I would bear fruit and glorify God by truly being able to keep Jesus’ commandment of loving one another as he has loved all of his followers.

John 15:1-12 English Standard Version (ESV)

I Am the True Vine

15:1 “I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. 2 Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. 3 Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. 4 Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. 5 I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. 6 If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. 7 If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. 8 By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples. 9 As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. 10 If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love. 11 These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full. 12 This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.”

 

One!

Posted on by Chel

This past weekend our dear little baby turned one! It was such a special time of love and of presence, and of celebration – of our baby, and of God’s work in his and our lives. The night before Baby’s birthday, after he was fast asleep, my husband and I decorated downstairs with balloons and streamers and birthday signs and party hats and noisemakers, and set out his wrapped presents. (We found ourselves growing so excited that we wanted to run upstairs to wake Baby up and show him the festivities he had in store; it was just so sweet to be able to lovingly plan for his special day.) The next morning, Baby was indeed amazed and delighted by the decorations; he pointed at the streamers and touched the signs, and especially loved pointing at and playing with his birthday balloons (which, thankfully, did not pop).

And decorations were just the beginning of a birthday filled with special surprises. We made Baby breakfast pancakes. We video chatted with family – they even sang him “Happy Birthday”, and he got to show them his new presents. He played with his new toys – he especially seemed to love his new toy train – and of course had to do some napping as well to replenish his birthday spirits. He also put up with a birthday photoshoot in an adorable birthday outfit that included suspenders and a matching little bowtie – although how squirmy and busy he now is made it much more challenging to take his one year pictures than his one month pictures.

In the afternoon, Nana and Papa arrived to join the celebration. Baby got to enjoy playing with them and even helped Papa and Daddy assemble his toy car track – said “helping” which included him holding the directions and hiding a piece or two. For dinner he got to enjoy birthday meatballs, followed by…birthday cake!!! He admired his cake and intently watched the candle while we sang him happy birthday, and then we gave him a slice. Right away he got blue icing all over his face and nose and hands, and then he grabbed the cake and shoved it right into his mouth. His little face quickly moved from surprise to glee, and he smiled and squealed and squished his hands and kicked his feet and quickly took another bite. As he became full, he then began to admire his blue hands and to study the texture of the cake and, of course, to smile around at all of us to make sure we saw how delightful this new experience was. And, indeed, it was delightful for all of us – his joy was contagious, and we were all full of smiles and laughter and gratitude in getting to witness and join in with his delight. He got a wonderful sugar rush from his cake, and was able to stay up nearly two hours past his regular bedtime to play and enjoy his birthday just a little longer before drifting off to sleep. And the celebrations extended into the rest of the weekend, other highlights of which included a botanical garden adventure, trying his first French fry, more playing and even snuggles with Nana and Papa, and shared enjoyment with the family.

All in all, I think it was a very sweet first birthday, which seemed a fitting way to celebrate what has been a very sweet first year with our dear Baby. I hope Baby felt very celebrated and special and loved; I certainly know that we love him and cherished this weekend with him. I find myself often wanting to press pause and save a moment forever, but as a wise colleague of mine often encourages me to do, I am trying to be a “sponge” and “soak up” these moments by being present in them and having a grateful heart. And we truly do have so much to be grateful for – my husband and I love our baby so much we can hardly contain it. As often seems to be the case for me in parenthood, I find I do not have adequate words to express the depth of love I have for my baby or how profound parenthood is or how thankful I am. The other day, my husband expressed that seeing Baby smile and hearing him laugh often leads my husband to feel as though he is about to cry because of how much he loves Baby; this is something I too feel more often than I can say – there is often a sense of my heart simply overflowing. The LORD has been so gracious to us and our baby this past year, and we are so humbled and so grateful for how he has been sustaining us and caring for us.

The milestone of Baby’s first birthday also prompted me and my husband to reflect on our baby, how he has grown, and how God has been at work in Baby’s and our lives this year. We are so thankful for our baby, for his joyful and friendly spirit, his contagious laughter, his insatiable curiosity, his playful antics, his quick smile, his tendency to express his emotions with his whole being, his snuggles, his hugs, his “ojitos”, the way he loves to copy us, the sound of his little yawns in our ears when we hold him close before bedtime, the way he sleeps with his bottom up in a pyramid, how when he “walks” holding our hands he sticks his tummy out, the messy curl to his hair, his perfectly chubby baby feet, the way he loves to try new food, the way he looks to us to share enjoyment, his flexibility and willingness to try new things…the list could of course go on endlessly. How he has grown since we first met him a year ago, and how we love getting to know him better each day as he continues to develop into his own little person.

As my husband and I reflect on how we hope God will continue to be at work in our baby’s life in the future, we pray that Baby will grow up knowing he is loved by Jesus, by us, and by family and friends – and that as he grows, he will come to reciprocate this love by loving Jesus, us, and others. It seems fitting to close with the verse that we often pray over Baby, and in which we ourselves have also found much hope and encouragement:

Ephesians 3:14-19 New International Version (NIV)

 14 For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15 from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love,18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

We love you, Baby. May you always be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Happy One! (:

The Goodness of Watermelon

Posted on by Chel

My baby started eating rice cereal and pureed food several months ago, but only within the past several weeks has he been eating finger foods as well. Watching him experience food in all its textured, flavorful, chewy glory has been delightful to witness: He seems genuinely amazed and proud to be able to touch the food on his high chair tray with his very own fingers. He also seems to find great fulfillment and purpose in diligently practicing his pincer grasp, whereby he – increasingly successfully – attempts to bring the morsels of food, accompanied by several fingers that often seem to have wiggly lives of their own, to his mouth. This arrival of any food/fingers to his mouth is often celebrated by a broad, open mouthed, toothy “hippo” grin such as completely melts my heart. There truly is no one else with whom my husband and I would rather share our meals, or our days.

One of baby’s most unbridled expressions of joy so far during this finger foods process came about when I gave him a piece of watermelon several days ago. I was eating watermelon with my own lunch, and as he was watching me very intently, I offered him a piece of his own. He immediately broke out in an eager smile, then proceeded to open his hands wide in excitement. Soon, he began to use his fingers to explore the cold, juicy texture while giving the sound he often makes when excited – a little “huh” chuckle that is often accompanied by smiles and sometimes even by flapping arms alternating with the tensing of his arms and legs as he squeezes out his excitement. He used his ever-improving pincer grasp to bring the juicy melon to his mouth, said melon which he then sucked on, took out of his mouth to again look and laugh at, returned to his mouth to suck and chew on, and even eventually swallowed (or at least partially swallowed). By the end, he was still full of smiles and laughter, and his adorable face and little hands – as well as his highchair, bib, and everything else within reach – were covered in pink, juicy, sticky evidence of the watermelon he had so loved.

As is often the case, getting to see the way in which my baby delights in the world around him encourages me to see and reflect upon the world in new ways myself. His enjoyment of food –especially watermelon! – is no exception. Witnessing his experience with watermelon leads me to wonder about food as God originally intended it to be. As everything that God created was good (Genesis 1:31), I imagine food is no exception. Not only did God originally create human beings as good, and food as good, he made human beings with taste buds to register the delicious goodness of food – and as far as I can tell this is not something that God had to do (as I’m sure he could have thought up other ways to ensure people partook of enough energy to sustain life). And yet he did! And the fact that he did can and does bring us great joy and fellowship, even as I got to experience as I ate lunch with my dear little baby. As an aside, this reminds me of a professor at my undergraduate institution who had a heart that was especially worshipful; one of his sermons included an exhortation to take time to truly look at the world around us – an example of which included the amazing complexity of taste buds – for if we truly do so, we will not be able to help but be moved to worship God. This makes me inclined to think that enjoying watermelon together, or any food, can lead to worship.

I like thinking about how food enjoyed well can lead to worship and can also be a space for fellowship, which leads me to believe food can be life-giving in a literal sense but also in a spiritual and relational sense. I especially appreciate recognizing this goodness of food, as I also know how food eaten for less wholesome reasons or in other ways can be particularly soul deadening. One of the many implications of living life after the Fall (Genesis 3) is that even good things can be grossly distorted, and I think food, including human relationships with food, is no exception. I even think that sometimes food itself can mistakenly become an object of worship, or that relationship with food can take place of relationship with others or even with God. I experienced this for myself in a particularly extreme way in my junior high years when I became anorexic and isolated, and today still notice I can sometimes look to food as a form of comfort or avoidance or indulgence or rest or happiness, or as a way to control, or as a way to “fill” emptiness I may feel in my heart.

Yet seeing my baby enjoy food in a way that I imagine is close to how God originally intended brings me great joy and hope that even in this fallen world the goodness of food can be redeemed – that it can be enjoyed in its rightful place, for what it is, and that it can lead to worship and fellowship and life.

The Weight of Love

Posted on by Chel

Our baby recently turned 9 months old, a milestone for which celebration included taking him to the doctor for his 9 month checkup. The first thing the receptionists – all of whom are very friendly and kind – exclaimed upon greeting him was just how much he has grown and changed. And indeed he has. I find our baby to be such a tangible marker of the passage of time; every day, sometimes seemingly in the blink of an eye, he is growing and changing and becoming in new ways. Our very first time in the doctor’s office, back when fall was only beginning to be in the air, was when our baby was just 4 days old. This was our first time taking him out of the house since he came home from the hospital, and even getting out the door was such an exciting a novel process that called for a picture as well as for the help of many hands. My husband and I remember being deeply in love already with our dear baby, but we also remember feeling somewhat delirious in our sleep deprived state – a deliriousness that I remember felt as though I was underwater, and as though all sensory information was being distorted through said water before it reached me, and as though in order to respond my thoughts and words floated surreally back through said water before (hopefully) reaching their intended destination in the ears of those whom were attempting to have conversations with me. Yet even then, my husband and I distinctly remember seeing a 4-month-old come in for her appointment as we were sitting in the waiting room with our tiny baby – who was tucked cozily in his infant carseat, deep asleep. As we watched how this “big” baby was able to hold her head up and look around as her father carried her against his chest, we marveled at how grown up she looked. Yet today, I am sure if we would have seen this same 4-month-old, she is the one who would have looked tiny. What a difference perspective makes!

Our doctor’s office has multiple patient rooms, but it just so happens that for his 9 month appointment we were assigned the same room we had on our baby’s very first visit. Being in this room, and at the milestone of 9 months, led us to reflect a bit on what life was like then and how much not only our baby but our whole family has changed since the first time we were in that particular room. We have such mixed emotions as we think back to that first visit; we loved our baby so much were so excited, but we were also very worried – our baby was having difficulty nursing, was losing weight, and was jaundiced. While I realize these are small problems when compared to the other innumerable health problems that can arise for babies, we felt terrified that something terrible was going to happen to our baby and I distinctly remember dissolving into tears of love and fear and uncertainty. Our little baby just seemed so vulnerable, and the weight of parenting him felt like such a large responsibility for which my husband and I were grossly unqualified. I think at this time I was just beginning to realize what it is like to love a baby so much, how exhilarating and powerful and joyful this experience is, and yet how heart-wrenching and vulnerable and uncertain. At our baby’s 9 month appointment, my husband and I were able to notice how many things have changed since our baby’s first appointment – how much he has grown in every sense of the word, how much more settled we now feel in our roles as parents, how we can hardly even imagine what life was like before he was a member of our family. Yet while many things have changed, others are still the same – how much we love our baby, how heavy the weight of loving and parenting him feels, how much we want him to be well but are terrified to realize we cannot guarantee his eternal wellness or safety.

Once we had returned back home, I began to cry while nursing our baby, and for a few moments it was as though I could hardly breathe. I was crying because of how much I love him, how dear he is to me, how unspeakably grateful I am that my husband and I get to share our lives with him, how terrified I am of anything ever happening to him. I was crying because of this weight of love. To be honest, I actually often cry when I think of just how much I love our baby and how I want him to always be with me. I believe that children are a blessing from the LORD, and that ultimately they belong to him. This means that “my” baby is not really “my” baby at all, but rather is on loan to me and my husband from the LORD, for however long or short the LORD blesses us with the incredible gift of having our baby with us. I want to hold so tightly to my baby, and yet truly I know it is far better for the LORD to be the one who is ultimately holding him. This is so painful for me, and such a daily, moment by moment struggle, as it is all too easy for me to be overcome by fear. It is so hard for me to love my baby with reckless abandon, with all of me, and to do all I can – alongside my husband – to love and parent and disciple and protect him to the very best of my finite abilities…and then, to recognize at the end of the day (or even throughout each day) the very best thing I can do while loving my baby in the aforementioned ways is to hold him loosely in hands that are open to the LORD and that trust in his sovereignty. But if this is so hard for me now, when my baby is well, how much harder will it be when the inevitable suffering and hardship that life on this earth entails comes? I am overwhelmed even thinking about this, but I have to hope and trust that God will give me the grace I need moment by moment to love faithfully in each season of life, even if I cannot imagine that now.

I wonder if considering several passages of Scripture, all of which have been impactful for me, may here be relevant:

Matthew 6:25-34 New International Version (NIV)

Do Not Worry

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

As much as I would like to think that I can add innumerable hours to my baby’s life – or the lives of anyone I love – doing so is not in my control, especially not through worrying. In contrast, this passage makes it painfully clear that I should instead be trusting in who God is and devoting myself to seeking first his kingdom. Which, in this stage of life, I imagine may at least partially look like loving my baby well in the present, that I might be a small reflection of the love that God shows his own children and that I might point my own baby toward, I dearly hope, someday trusting in Jesus for himself. For it is in Jesus alone that we can have true eternal life. I hope that someday I can truly echo Paul in believing “to live is Christ and to die is gain” (Philippians 1:21), for death for those who trust in Jesus will mean “depart[ing] and being with Christ, which is better by far” (Philippians 1:23). I still feel tearful when I think of how ultimately we all will die, be it today or in 100 years, but I hope that I will be able to grow in my faith in the unfailing hope that is in Jesus. This is so very hard though, which is why, as our family’s pastor so wisely says, we need to “daily rehearse the gospel” – including through letting other fellow believers speak into our lives, and through our own individual seeking of the LORD through prayer and reading of his Word. How I need to rehearse the gospel, for my heart is so prone to worry and fear, especially as related to those I love most dearly.

Before I close, I feel it may be helpful for me to meditate on Paul’s prayer for the Ephesians (3:14-21), which, as a side note, is actually the same passage that my husband and I prayed over our baby when he was dedicated at our church this past Mother’s Day. I love this passage for many reasons, including its expression of God’s Trinitarian nature, its description of the very real weight of love, its reminder of God’s character of love and power, its celebration of the fullness that comes through relationship with Jesus – both in this present life and eternally.

Ephesians 3:14-21 New International Version (NIV)

Prayer for the Ephesians

14 For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15 from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

If my husband and I are praying that our baby will ultimately be able to trust in Jesus and have him “dwell in [his] heart through faith” (which we fervently are), we would do well to pray that God would help us both as parents to live lives that reflect to our baby what it looks like to be rooted and established in Jesus. How I need the Holy Spirit’s help as I seek to trust the LORD not only with my life, but with the lives of those I hold most dear.

Clogged

Posted on by Chel

I recently experienced my first clogged milk duct. While I initially had a great number of difficulties with breastfeeding when my baby was a newborn, a clogged duct was not one of them. Thus having a clogged duct now, after so many uneventful months of established nursing, came as a bit of a painful and unexpected surprise in at least two ways – in that I was experiencing a clogged duct at all, and that I responded so poorly to this seemingly minor difficulty. That I was not expecting a clogged duct seems rather self-explanatory, but I feel my response to said clogged duct warrants further reflection.

I feel as though my response to having a clogged duct revealed that I have many spiritual “clogs”, or areas of sin in my life. But unlike a physical clogged milk duct, which is suddenly and painfully obvious, my spiritual “clogs” are much more insidious and may only become evident during moments of duress. As my husband can attest, my responses to the even small upset of having a clogged milk duct included feeling sorry for myself, attempting to control the situation by researching and trying various treatments, becoming angry when said treatments did not immediately work, thinking I “deserved” to get better because I was trying to be responsible in addressing the issue, even blame shifting when my baby did not immediately accommodate to the dangle feeding nursing position that many others had recommended as the best remedy. My husband lovingly pointed out to me that he was rather afraid to be around me that evening after baby went to bed, as I was so obviously irritable and he was uncertain as to what might set me off next. I feel it is worth noting he was not saying that I could not be unhappy or angry, but rather that he found it problematic how I was taking my sadness and anger out on others. I realize that in the scheme of life, a clogged milk duct is a very insignificant issue, which makes how quickly it revealed my sin all the more humbling and sobering.

For those of you who appreciate resolution, know that my clogged milk duct resolved rather suddenly and non-glamorously as I finally managed to coax my screaming baby into the dangling nursing position with his chin pointing towards the offending duct. But I’m afraid there is as of yet no true resolution to my “clog” of sin issues; while I am being much more loving and present and cheerful and kind and patient for the time being, it is relatively easy to act in these ways when nothing particularly stressful or challenging is occurring. I find it troubling that I can spend so much time researching and fretting over and attempting to treat and caring for a minor physical difficulty such as a clogged milk duct, but that I so often fail to be so devoted to “treating” my innumerable – and far more serious – ongoing spiritual “clogs”. I realize I cannot truly “treat” my spiritual self; it is only by the undeserved work of Christ’s atoning work on the cross that I can have confidence of someday being fully healed and restored in the fullest sense of these words; how I need his ongoing grace and the working of the Holy Spirit in my life to sustain me day by day on the ongoing process of progressive sanctification and growth. But I think often I do not take enough responsibility for seeking to “walk by the Spirit” (Galatians 5:16) or to “work out [my] salvation” (Philippians 2:12), something especially saddening when I think about how my “clogs” of sin affect not only me but those around me, including my baby and my husband. Not because these works are salvific or because they are a “cure” that I can bring about for myself, but because if I truly am in relationship with Jesus he will have an impact on how strive to live my day to day life.

Thus while I am thankful my clogged milk duct issue is currently resolved, I am even more grateful for how this is serving as an opportunity to make more apparent my unresolved “clogs” of sin; in this I am again convicted of my need for Jesus and the restoration I look forward to one day when he returns. Until then, by his grace I will try to be an active participant in my own ongoing sanctification, seeking after the LORD as intentionally as possible by reading the Bible regularly, praying, being a part of a community of fellow believers, and seeking to live in obedience to his ways. I know I will often fall short, but I am thankful for the grace I receive from the LORD and from others to continue on, and not just for myself, but also because I want to love others – including my husband and my baby – well.

Family Adventures in Amateur Birding, Nature, and Worship

Posted on by Chel

We recently started birding as a family, and toward this end purchased the “Peterson Field Guide to Birds” and some binoculars. My husband and I were discussing ideas about new hobbies we could try to develop as a family that would foster connection as well as learning and curiosity. Birding – very amateurly – was an idea my husband and I both found we were excited about, and which we also hope our little baby will find it to be fun as he grows bigger. It also meets various interests that both of us have, including sharing time together, collecting, and generally observing the world around us, to name a few. As we are not too serious in our birding ambitions, we also enjoy the idea of talking as we walk, generally sharing enjoyment, and learning, as well as practicing the art of being present and mindful.

This past weekend we went out as a little family to a local forest preserve, and were delighted that in our short, baby-attention-span-length hike we glimpsed a number of feathered friends. My husband and I were both struck by how, when we are present and actually looking, the world is full of wonder that we may otherwise miss or take for granted. One especially wonderful moment was when a red-tailed hawk unexpectedly swooped across the trail a mere 10 feet or so away from us; it was so much larger and regal and complex and sleek than we ever realized when observing hawks either from afar or in captivity as had been the case in our previous encounters.

We also spied – and hopefully identified? – several other types of birds. It is hard to say what was most enjoyable out of this process – noticing and hearing birds, using the binoculars and trying to focus them before a bird flitted away, trying to remember notable features to reference as we quickly thumbed through our bird guide, logging what we thought we found, or just generally enjoying one another, nature, and laughter.

As we meandered about with eyes that were actually looking, my husband and I started to reflect a bit on the wonder and mystery of the world. It was one of those summer mornings that was warm but not hot, and surrounded with the sounds, sights, and smell of vibrant life that only a midwestern summer can hold – green trees thick with leaves and trailed by vines arching alongside and even above the gravel trail, various colors and textures of grasses gently swaying and rustling, light and darkness playing hide and seek among the breeze blown leaves of the tree groves, splashes of blue and yellow and purple and white flowers breaking up the shades of green, the sticky humidity making even the air feel alive and weighty, the hum of various bugs, the songs and calls of yet (to us) un-identified birds.

I find opening my eyes to the physical world also seems to encourage my soul to be more reflective and mindful. Being in nature leaves me feeling appreciative and awe-struck by its beauty and complexity, yet I sense my own finitude as I notice the mystery, wildness, and even danger of the forest and all that may be found within it. For all of humankind’s intelligence, ingenuity, and propensity to organize and control, even a small patch of nature reminds me that I myself am so small and my ability to control and to know is so limited. Which makes me think about how creation points to its Creator – imperfectly of course, especially in a world marked by the effects of the Fall – and yet in such a tangible way. God is unfathomably beautiful, good, loving, and faithful, yet he also is glorious, omnipotent, and righteous such that apart from the grace offered us in Christ his very perfection and holiness would leave us all, including me, undone. If even the greatness of a tiny corner of God’s creation humbles me, how great is God himself? One of my favorite psalms, which I think beautifully expresses God’s sovereignty over creation as well as how creation points to his glory and moves us to worship, is Psalm 104. Notice that even birds are mentioned, which seems especially apropos for a post that begins with birding!

Psalm 104 New International Version (NIV)

1 Praise the LORD, my soul.
LORD my God, you are very great;
you are clothed with splendor and majesty.

2 The LORD wraps himself in light as with a garment;
he stretches out the heavens like a tent
3 and lays the beams of his upper chambers on their waters.
He makes the clouds his chariot
and rides on the wings of the wind.
4 He makes winds his messengers,
flames of fire his servants.

5 He set the earth on its foundations;
it can never be moved.
6 You covered it with the watery depths as with a garment;
the waters stood above the mountains.
7 But at your rebuke the waters fled,
at the sound of your thunder they took to flight;
8 they flowed over the mountains,
they went down into the valleys,
to the place you assigned for them.
9 You set a boundary they cannot cross;
never again will they cover the earth.

10 He makes springs pour water into the ravines;
it flows between the mountains.
11 They give water to all the beasts of the field;
the wild donkeys quench their thirst.
12 The birds of the sky nest by the waters;
they sing among the branches.
13 He waters the mountains from his upper chambers;
the land is satisfied by the fruit of his work.
14 He makes grass grow for the cattle,
and plants for people to cultivate—
bringing forth food from the earth:
15 wine that gladdens human hearts,
oil to make their faces shine,
and bread that sustains their hearts.
16 The trees of the LORD are well watered,
the cedars of Lebanon that he planted.
17 There the birds make their nests;
the stork has its home in the junipers.
18 The high mountains belong to the wild goats;
the crags are a refuge for the hyrax.

19 He made the moon to mark the seasons,
and the sun knows when to go down.
20 You bring darkness, it becomes night,
and all the beasts of the forest prowl.
21 The lions roar for their prey
and seek their food from God.
22 The sun rises, and they steal away;
they return and lie down in their dens.
23 Then people go out to their work,
to their labor until evening.

24 How many are your works, LORD!
In wisdom you made them all;
the earth is full of your creatures.
25 There is the sea, vast and spacious,
teeming with creatures beyond number—
living things both large and small.
26 There the ships go to and fro,
and Leviathan, which you formed to frolic there.

27 All creatures look to you
to give them their food at the proper time.
28 When you give it to them,
they gather it up;
when you open your hand,
they are satisfied with good things.
29 When you hide your face,
they are terrified;
when you take away their breath,
they die and return to the dust.
30 When you send your Spirit,
they are created,
and you renew the face of the ground.

31 May the glory of the LORD endure forever;
may the LORD rejoice in his works—
32 he who looks at the earth, and it trembles,
who touches the mountains, and they smoke.

33 I will sing to the LORD all my life;
I will sing praise to my God as long as I live.
34 May my meditation be pleasing to him,
as I rejoice in the LORD…

35b Praise the LORD, my soul.
Praise the LORD.

I join the psalmist in saying “Praise the LORD, my soul. LORD my God, you are very great; you are clothed with splendor and majesty.” Yes, praise the LORD, oh my soul. Praise the LORD.