Category: Family

The Overnight Visit

Posted on by Chel

Our baby experienced another large milestone this week – he had his very first night away from mommy and daddy. Perhaps an even bigger, concurrent milestone was that my husband and I had our very first night away from him. This night had been some time in coming; our anniversary is at the end of June, and to help us celebrate, my parents planned a visit in which they hoped to both soak up time with baby and also to watch him overnight for one evening of the trip. My husband and I had been greatly looking forward to Nana and Papa’s visit, but were uncertain as to whether we would actually be able follow through with leaving our baby for an entire evening away – although to help encourage said follow through, we made sure to book a local hotel in advance so that we had an external commitment. (As an aside, I find it both humorous and humbling to find that while, before baby was born, I insisted that I would be able to prioritize marriage and would be intentional in finding ways to be alone with my husband regularly, ever since baby was born I find it incredibly challenging to be away from baby for more than a few hours. I now understand why not all parents get out often!)

This past week the long-awaited visit with Nana and Papa finally arrived, and included many sweet moments shared together as a family, including zoo adventures and playing with toy towers and walking and going to Target and baby generally enjoying being the center of attention, along with all the lavish of snuggles and coos and admiration this role entails. Baby seems to be slowly leaving the “stranger danger” phase of development, and is instead beginning to enter into a stage where he mostly likes the attention of others, especially Nana and Papa, and particularly if my husband and I are still in the room. Baby plays more gently and quietly with others (instead of being his usual boisterous and busy self) but still has many smiles to share, some snuggles to give, and much shared enjoyment. He particularly relished being on outings where Nana and Papa could hold him while he looked at the interesting world around him – some of his favorite moments of being held seemed to be while looking at zoo exhibits and at toys in the store. And as baby delighted in engaging with Nana and Papa and in looking at the world, I delighted in watching baby and my parents together, enjoying one another. It was so very sweet to be able to share the joy of him with them, and in doing so it felt as though the joy of motherhood multiplied. These felt like such sweet, quintessential “grandparent time” moments, and left my heart feeling so full.

Thankfully, this fullness of heart borne of several days of time shared with my parents led to me feeling ready – or at least as ready as possible! – to actually try to spend the night away with my husband. These moments from earlier in the visit helped me see that baby is able to be with others (away from me) more than I might think, and that he may even enjoy doing so. I know that my parents certainly enjoy being with him. This time shared together also led me to reflect on how I want to be able to let my baby go enough that he actually gets to be with and form relationship others; I do not want to anxiously keep him to myself and always try to “protect” him even now that he is growing bigger. While my desire to be with my baby is motivated by my love for him, I wonder if loving entails a balance of both holding close and letting go. My parents were offering to love me (and my husband) by watching our baby, but I think that me accepting and trusting was also a way for me to love my baby and to love my parents (who cherish time with my baby). Being away to celebrate our marriage was also, of course, a way for me to love my husband.

With these thoughts in mind, Friday night arrived. After packing an overnight bag, I fed baby and gave him his bedtime bath and put on his jammies and nursed him and snuggled him close – and then my husband and I kissed our baby and told him we loved him before giving him to Nana to rock to sleep. And, away my husband and I drove, just the two of us, for our first time of being out of the house as just two for more than 3 or 4 straight hours since baby was born. And it was surreal and refreshing and precious and weird and wonderful and exciting and celebratory – and it truly happened! My husband and I enjoyed doing small things reminiscent of how we used to share time together prior to baby – we went to dinner and talked about everything and nothing, we wandered around and looked at random points of interest, we got ice cream and coffee, we drove around and listened to music, we laughed at one another’s jokes, we enjoyed having no responsibilities for over twelve whole hours and watched corny hotel movies and marveled at a night of uninterrupted sleep, we slept in, we went to brunch. We reflected on our marriage and the ways in which our love has grown over the years, how much both we and our lives have changed since we were first married, how gracious the LORD has been to us. We enjoyed being able to focus on just one another, having uninterrupted conversations where we could make one another feel important and seen and cherished, being just two. And, after cherishing these sweet moments as just two, we drove back home to our dear baby. I would not trade a night away with just my husband celebrating our marriage, but I also would not trade having our dear baby to go back home to afterward. And I think that each is sweeter for the experience of the other – I appreciate my husband (and time alone with him!) even more after having our baby, and I appreciate being with our baby even more after having a short bit of time away with just my husband.

Father’s Day Presence

Posted on by Chel

Some of the many qualities I love about my husband – and that I treasure getting to see in new ways now that he is a father – include his ability to be present and unexpectedly humorous in such a way that the everyday, and even mundane, can be transformed into something special. I remember admiring this quality in him even back when we were merely dating – a specific memory that especially stands out is from a time in college when we were serving in a children’s ministry event overseas. We had been entrusted with babysitting several toddlers; it was toward the end of a busy day, and both toys and energy were running low. I was trying to do the best I could to keep the kids engaged but felt myself quickly running out of ideas and wondering how long was left until parents returned. My ability to be present was surely fading. Then in came my husband (or rather, at that time, boyfriend) – and in what to me seemed a nearly effortless blink of an eye, he was here and there about the room captivating the children with a number of unexpected, whimsical, and humorous interactions. Soon the previously dull and sleepy room was filled with the brightness of joy and connection fostered by laughter and play. And I distinctly remember admiring how he interacted with these children so intentionally, and hoping that I could grow in my ability to both be responsible but also to connect and make room for being more lighthearted and playful.

On Father’s Day I was reminded that – while neither of us are carefree college students anymore – my husband’s ability to be playfully present and my admiration of him being able to do so are still just as true as ever. If anything, I value and respect how he does so even more, as I know it takes intentionality and quiet strength to continue to foster these qualities amidst the very real weight of responsibility that comes with being a father and a husband and an employee and a leader and…the list of the many roles he fills could go on. On Father’s Day, we had both a sweet day filled with small adventures as a family and yet also a tiring day (especially after a much-needed and anticipated afternoon nap was skipped by our over-excited baby, leaving us little time to complete some necessary household tasks). By the time bath-time rolled around, our baby was quite worn out, and so were we. But instead of rushing through the nightly bedtime routine by dividing and conquering, my husband and I decided to join in giving our baby a bath together. My husband likes to use the phone to play bath-time songs for our baby, but as we forgot the phone downstairs, we began to make up our own songs – using Sesame Street’s classic “Rubber Duckie” as an inspiration. We took turns creating silly, nonsensical, spontaneous verses – some of which rhymed and some of which decidedly did not, and some of which were sung in tune and some of which were quite “free-spirited” – and soon found that my husband and I along with our baby were laughing and smiling, joyful and connected in our play even while also going through the motions of bath-time scrubbing and splashing and rinsing and “(pa)jamming”. And what better way to wrap up my husband’s very first Father’s Day than being together, as a little family of three, finding something special and delightful and full of joy in the simple, everyday experience of a bedtime routine? I hope that as our baby grows he will become increasingly intentional, playful, connected, and present in the everyday…just like his daddy.

The Nursery

Posted on by Chel

This Sunday was a momentous occasion in that it marked the very first time we left our baby in the church nursery. This day has been a very long time in coming, as my husband and I have talked about the importance of putting our baby in the nursery for months – we want him to be able to socialize with other adults and children, we want to encourage and foster his seemingly friendly and outgoing personality, we do not want our own anxieties to hold him back, we want him to feel he can enjoy being with us but that he also can enjoy being apart from us (being securely enough attached that he can also trust we will return). We want him to be a part of a larger community, and not to feel as though he needs to hide from the world. And my husband and I also realize it is important for us to have time as adults as well, including time to focus un-interrupted on the sermon and to speak with other adults. Yet fine though all these reasons may be in theory, acting upon them has been painfully challenging for me. I first asked my husband if we could wait until March when our baby would be 6 months old. When March came, I reasoned that as it was still flu season – and a particularly bad one, at that – perhaps we ought to wait until May; my husband patiently agreed with the caveat that we indeed follow through soon. But then May came, along with a variety of other excuses I manufactured – on Mother’s Day I wanted to keep baby with me, the following week family was coming and we surely didn’t want him to get sick, Memorial Day Weekend was a holiday. The first weekend of June slipped quietly by with an all-church service in the park that left me breathing a sigh of relief as childcare was not even an option. But then, before I knew it, this second weekend of June arrived and I was nearly out of excuses.

I must confess that on Saturday night, I purposefully did not confirm with my husband that we were indeed going to finally put our baby in the nursery, and I also did not pack baby’s diaper bag or plan any other practical details. I did not even set an alarm for this Sunday morning; I told my husband that surely our baby would serve as our alarm clock – he usually is ready to say hello to the world between 5 and 7am every morning – although I secretly hoped that baby would somehow happen to oversleep. In sum, I was being avoidant and feeling very ambivalent. This Sunday morning, during breakfast – a mere 20 minutes before we needed to leave for church – I carefully asked my husband what we were going to do with our baby during service. My husband lovingly but also firmly reminded me that today was the day that we were going to introduce him to nursery! I suppose in my heart I already knew what my husband would say, as we had previously discussed this tentatively earlier in the week, but I am not proud to say that I began to find a surprising number of ways to stall as well as to fabricate more excuses as to why today should not yet be nursery day.

Stalling included carefully unpacking, then repacking, baby’s diaper bag, slooooowly choosing an outfit and dressing baby, checking his diaper just one more time, gathering and packing an unprecedented number of teethers, filling a water bottle for him even though he had just finished breakfast and nursing, looking for a bib that matched his outfit…the list could go on. Excuses – which I worked to make not only the majority of the time that we were still at home getting ready but also during most of the car drive to church – included wondering if this is truly the best time to leave our baby (as he is still in the “stranger danger” developmental phase), worrying that he will cry too much and get too sad and stressed, fearing that he will catch a bug and get sick, noting there is no “real” reason to choose to put him in the nursery over the summer as he does relatively well and I like having him close as well as worshipping with him, wondering if fall would be a better time to start…this list could also go on. The excuses I raised were all real concerns that I have, but – as my husband loving and graciously pointed out while also patiently hearing and validating me – when will I truly ever find the “right” time to put baby in the nursery, a time when I do not feel any worry or concern? Or, for that matter, when will I ever truly feel ready to do anything else that involves letting baby go? While to some extent it is appropriate for me to “baby” our baby – as he is still literally more or less a baby – I need to also support his growth and development in healthy ways, which will often likely entail lovingly equipping him and then giving him opportunities to venture out in the world in ways both small and big.

But to do this, I so desperately need the support of my husband, because I want to just hold my baby so tightly and never let go. Which is why even though it was painfully hard for me, I am so thankful that my husband was so patient and gentle and loving with me but that he also firmly followed through with taking our baby to the nursery as we had planned. My husband reassured me that we needed to at least show up, and that even 5 minutes would be a success. But once we took baby down to the nursery – 17 minutes late, due to all my stalling – the ladies in the nursery exuded a kind, caring, competent, loving confidence that inspired at least a little bit of confidence and trust in my husband and me and also, I think, our baby. Almost before I knew it, I found myself telling my baby I love him while my husband passed him off to one of the grandmothers in the nursery, and as baby started looking at the mobiles I was walking down the hallway with my husband, and up the stairs, and into the sanctuary. I started to tear up as soon as we walked away, and missed baby right away, and anxiously kept an eye on the small screen at the front of the church that is dedicated to paging parents when their respective babies or children need them. I also carefully kept checking my phone, noting with amazement that 10 minutes had gone by, then 20 minutes, then 45 minutes…and due to our tardy arrival, it was then time to go back down to get our baby.

I flew down the stairs, and upon arriving in the nursery area and surrounding hallways, I found…our baby was fine! And so was I, and so was my husband. In fact, I think we were all more than fine. The ladies in the nursery reported that while baby had experienced some moments of crying, they walked him in the hallways and even let him sit in the kindergarten room to watch the bigger children. Our baby’s little rosy cheeks were even dry when my husband and I came to get him, and as soon as I gathered him into my arms and squeezed him close, he smiled not only at me and my husband but also at the ladies in the nursery. I loved seeing how he could enjoy being with other people, and I also greatly appreciated how the ladies were so kind and treated our baby like his own dear little person.

As we went with our baby back to the car, I think we all felt particularly happy and close and proud and relieved and thankful. I know that having been away from my baby for even such a short time, I was especially delighted to be reunited with him again, as was my husband. And our baby seemed especially happy to be with us too, and was particularly smiley and laughy when riding in his carseat. And his jovial mood continued while adventuring with us at the outdoor mall for a sweet Sunday afternoon outing that also included a shared – between my husband and me – banana peanut butter chocolate donut and a cold brew coffee – our very first. While taking our baby to the nursery was a hard step to take, and, I am sure, will still be in the future, overall I am left feeling so thankful – thankful for my husband and how he was so gentle yet firm, and so strong when I most needed him; thankful for our dear baby; thankful for the loving nursery workers; thankful that my husband and I were able to share a few moments in service where he was able to put his arm around me like he did before our baby; thankful that we could then all be back together again and sharing the rest of the day; thankful that we can all be growing together, each in our own ways.

Small Presence

Posted on by Chel

My husband and I are finding that our baby’s physically small presence significantly – and disproportionately! – impacts our own desire to be present and to connect in everyday moments. Our baby is so naturally and unassumingly present and mindful, connected to others and to the world around him. When he looks at something or someone, he truly sees them; his eyes light up, he carefully studies them, if possible he uses additional senses – such as touch or taste – to learn more about them. He typically also responds with the demonstration of his own emotional experience – such as smiles or laughter or tears or vocalizations or physical movements. He devotes the same presence and attention to studying (what I would label) “exciting” new people or places on family outings as he does to observing everyday faces or toys or Cheerios on his highchair tray or our dog or leaves outside the window or pictures in a book he has already read…the list could go on and on.

As my husband and I share our days with our baby, we find great joy in learning to see the world through our baby’s eyes. Before baby, my husband and I thought of days in which we could truly be present and connect as days free of responsibility, days when we could go on dates to the city or dates out of town or dates to any number of our favorite local places. We often thought of work days as days in which we needed to focus on accomplishing what we had set out to accomplish, which often entailed rushing through certain tasks and trying to find the most efficient ways in which to do things. But slowly we are realizing that any day – in fact, right now! – is a beautiful time to truly live. As our baby is showing us, there are so many things, both big and small, in which to be present even in the everyday.

Thus my husband and I are trying to encourage one another to foster hearts of presence and gratitude while also still being faithful in our responsibilities. This is of course challenging and messy at times, as we often find parenthood and work and adult life responsibilities to be heavy and stressful. But we are trying and, I hope, growing. Practicing often looks like just sharing seemingly small moments with our baby or with one another, moments such as pushing our baby around the block on the little Radio Flyer tricycle his grandpa got him, or going to the bookstore together and looking at books and toys, or eating breakfast together, or watching baby splash in the bathtub, or playing peek-a-boo, or dancing goofily to music, or just playing on the living room floor, or soaking up baby’s newly toothy smile, or rocking baby, or kissing baby, or laughing with him. Practice looks like my husband and I trying to actually see and talk to and listen to and hopefully even laugh with one another even when we are both exhausted from a full day. Practice looks like feeling and sharing emotions honestly, large and small, from joy and excitement to sadness or fear. Each of these moments may seem small and simple, but my husband and I find that they are actually exceedingly precious and bring such a deep sense of connection as we get to share them together.

Moments such as these make me think that presence and connection are deeply linked: being mindful and aware of the world around me opens me up more deeply to connection with others, for as I both physically and emotionally show up, I can actually truly see those around me. And when two or more people are truly in the same place, genuine relationship and knowing can occur. My dear, sweet baby is naturally so genuine and open as he pursues both presence and connection, as is developmentally appropriate, but as an adult I am aware I have plenty of barriers – life responsibilities and pressures, anxiety, fear of vulnerability, past hurts; the list could go on. In spite of the challenges, I hope and pray that even the small moments in which I am able to be present and connected, strung together day by day, will grow in length and significance.

When I am with my baby, I want to truly be with him, not just sharing the same space. And the same is true of how I want to be with my husband, or my other family members, or my friends, or my clients, or with Jesus.

Family Adventures in Amateur Birding, Nature, and Worship

Posted on by Chel

We recently started birding as a family, and toward this end purchased the “Peterson Field Guide to Birds” and some binoculars. My husband and I were discussing ideas about new hobbies we could try to develop as a family that would foster connection as well as learning and curiosity. Birding – very amateurly – was an idea my husband and I both found we were excited about, and which we also hope our little baby will find it to be fun as he grows bigger. It also meets various interests that both of us have, including sharing time together, collecting, and generally observing the world around us, to name a few. As we are not too serious in our birding ambitions, we also enjoy the idea of talking as we walk, generally sharing enjoyment, and learning, as well as practicing the art of being present and mindful.

This past weekend we went out as a little family to a local forest preserve, and were delighted that in our short, baby-attention-span-length hike we glimpsed a number of feathered friends. My husband and I were both struck by how, when we are present and actually looking, the world is full of wonder that we may otherwise miss or take for granted. One especially wonderful moment was when a red-tailed hawk unexpectedly swooped across the trail a mere 10 feet or so away from us; it was so much larger and regal and complex and sleek than we ever realized when observing hawks either from afar or in captivity as had been the case in our previous encounters.

We also spied – and hopefully identified? – several other types of birds. It is hard to say what was most enjoyable out of this process – noticing and hearing birds, using the binoculars and trying to focus them before a bird flitted away, trying to remember notable features to reference as we quickly thumbed through our bird guide, logging what we thought we found, or just generally enjoying one another, nature, and laughter.

As we meandered about with eyes that were actually looking, my husband and I started to reflect a bit on the wonder and mystery of the world. It was one of those summer mornings that was warm but not hot, and surrounded with the sounds, sights, and smell of vibrant life that only a midwestern summer can hold – green trees thick with leaves and trailed by vines arching alongside and even above the gravel trail, various colors and textures of grasses gently swaying and rustling, light and darkness playing hide and seek among the breeze blown leaves of the tree groves, splashes of blue and yellow and purple and white flowers breaking up the shades of green, the sticky humidity making even the air feel alive and weighty, the hum of various bugs, the songs and calls of yet (to us) un-identified birds.

I find opening my eyes to the physical world also seems to encourage my soul to be more reflective and mindful. Being in nature leaves me feeling appreciative and awe-struck by its beauty and complexity, yet I sense my own finitude as I notice the mystery, wildness, and even danger of the forest and all that may be found within it. For all of humankind’s intelligence, ingenuity, and propensity to organize and control, even a small patch of nature reminds me that I myself am so small and my ability to control and to know is so limited. Which makes me think about how creation points to its Creator – imperfectly of course, especially in a world marked by the effects of the Fall – and yet in such a tangible way. God is unfathomably beautiful, good, loving, and faithful, yet he also is glorious, omnipotent, and righteous such that apart from the grace offered us in Christ his very perfection and holiness would leave us all, including me, undone. If even the greatness of a tiny corner of God’s creation humbles me, how great is God himself? One of my favorite psalms, which I think beautifully expresses God’s sovereignty over creation as well as how creation points to his glory and moves us to worship, is Psalm 104. Notice that even birds are mentioned, which seems especially apropos for a post that begins with birding!

Psalm 104 New International Version (NIV)

1 Praise the LORD, my soul.
LORD my God, you are very great;
you are clothed with splendor and majesty.

2 The LORD wraps himself in light as with a garment;
he stretches out the heavens like a tent
3 and lays the beams of his upper chambers on their waters.
He makes the clouds his chariot
and rides on the wings of the wind.
4 He makes winds his messengers,
flames of fire his servants.

5 He set the earth on its foundations;
it can never be moved.
6 You covered it with the watery depths as with a garment;
the waters stood above the mountains.
7 But at your rebuke the waters fled,
at the sound of your thunder they took to flight;
8 they flowed over the mountains,
they went down into the valleys,
to the place you assigned for them.
9 You set a boundary they cannot cross;
never again will they cover the earth.

10 He makes springs pour water into the ravines;
it flows between the mountains.
11 They give water to all the beasts of the field;
the wild donkeys quench their thirst.
12 The birds of the sky nest by the waters;
they sing among the branches.
13 He waters the mountains from his upper chambers;
the land is satisfied by the fruit of his work.
14 He makes grass grow for the cattle,
and plants for people to cultivate—
bringing forth food from the earth:
15 wine that gladdens human hearts,
oil to make their faces shine,
and bread that sustains their hearts.
16 The trees of the LORD are well watered,
the cedars of Lebanon that he planted.
17 There the birds make their nests;
the stork has its home in the junipers.
18 The high mountains belong to the wild goats;
the crags are a refuge for the hyrax.

19 He made the moon to mark the seasons,
and the sun knows when to go down.
20 You bring darkness, it becomes night,
and all the beasts of the forest prowl.
21 The lions roar for their prey
and seek their food from God.
22 The sun rises, and they steal away;
they return and lie down in their dens.
23 Then people go out to their work,
to their labor until evening.

24 How many are your works, LORD!
In wisdom you made them all;
the earth is full of your creatures.
25 There is the sea, vast and spacious,
teeming with creatures beyond number—
living things both large and small.
26 There the ships go to and fro,
and Leviathan, which you formed to frolic there.

27 All creatures look to you
to give them their food at the proper time.
28 When you give it to them,
they gather it up;
when you open your hand,
they are satisfied with good things.
29 When you hide your face,
they are terrified;
when you take away their breath,
they die and return to the dust.
30 When you send your Spirit,
they are created,
and you renew the face of the ground.

31 May the glory of the LORD endure forever;
may the LORD rejoice in his works—
32 he who looks at the earth, and it trembles,
who touches the mountains, and they smoke.

33 I will sing to the LORD all my life;
I will sing praise to my God as long as I live.
34 May my meditation be pleasing to him,
as I rejoice in the LORD…

35b Praise the LORD, my soul.
Praise the LORD.

I join the psalmist in saying “Praise the LORD, my soul. LORD my God, you are very great; you are clothed with splendor and majesty.” Yes, praise the LORD, oh my soul. Praise the LORD.