Category: Working and Motherhood

A Question of Identity

Posted on by Chel

I am now a stay-at-home mom.  After much deliberation, my husband and I decided to have me resign from my work as a marriage and family therapist to stay home full-time with my own family. This is a bittersweet step for me. I feel so joyful thinking of what I am moving toward: getting to devote myself fully to being home as a wife and a momma for this season. But I feel genuine loss and sadness over giving up—at least for the time being—work that I find to be deeply meaningful at a practice I genuinely like.

Now I find myself wrestling with the question “Who am I?” in a way that I didn’t when I first became a mom—and I’m rather jarred by the many identity-related questions that I have been feeling seemingly suddenly and simultaneously:

What if I lose sight of who I am, and who others are?

What if I become boring to my husband and don’t have anything to talk to him about apart from our kids?

What if I make my kids into my whole life?

What if I lose my spark and passion now that I am staying at home, and simply become tired?

What if my world becomes small and I lose sight of all perspective?

What if I become lonely?

What if I become consumed by worry?

What if I never even get to talk to any other adults without being interrupted by little ones?

What if I don’t have any complex or intelligent or even coherent thoughts anymore?

What if I rarely have car-rides by myself to listen to podcasts, or consume any noteworthy news, or learn any new skills, or even just to do anything interesting or thought-provoking?

What I begin to measure my worth by how “successful” I am in accomplishing tasks at home and in caring for my boys, and become even more task-oriented, controlling, and perfectionist than ever?

My list of questions big and small could go on and on.

Yet I suppose as I reflect upon these and other questions of identity I realize there is danger in defining my entire being as any one particular part of myself or actions. I have always been prone to pursuing meaning through fulfilling my roles, keeping busy, and striving after accomplishment. Even my career had the danger of being an idol and wasn’t truly a solid way for me to define myself, although I did find it deeply honoring and meaningful to get to walk with others on their respective journeys as part of my work as a therapist. But then again, I also find it deeply honoring and meaningful to be a wife, and a mother, and a daughter, and a sister, and a friend.

These roles—along with many other roles, characteristics, and passions—are a part of who I am, but none should ultimately define me. If my primary identity was in being a therapist—rather than having this be just a part, albeit significant, of who I am—then I have a problem, just like I have a problem if I hinge my whole sense of self and meaning on being a mom, or being a wife, or being orderly or “right”, and so on. Ultimately, I need to find my identity most deeply in Jesus and my relationship with him. These other facets of who I am and what I do and what I care about are significant, but while they make beautiful outgrowths they are a poor foundation upon which to build my life.

Ultimately, only Jesus is a truly sure foundation.

I believe this to be true. Yet I also know that I need time to process my many questions and feelings, and to both grieve and celebrate this transition. So I will choose to trust in Jesus while leaning into the vulnerability and messiness of opening my heart to having so many feelings and questions about this change. I will try to cry when I am sad over my loss while also noticing and rejoicing in the sweet moments I am gaining with those I love. I will be thankful for the time I got to work as a therapist, and I will also be thankful for the time I now have to be with my family. I will try to take time to talk about and reflect upon and feel my experiences.

I hope I can slowly learn anew who I am in Jesus and what it looks like in this new season of my life to have him truly be the foundation upon which I build my identity and from which I draw strength to love and live faithfully—including in, but not limited to, my role as a momma to my precious little boys.  

Celebrating We

Posted on by Chel

This past week marked a significant milestone in my professional life – I finally completed my clinical hours and can apply for full licensure as a marriage and family therapist. My husband so sweetly marked this occasion with having a little surprise celebration ready for me upon my return from work. But truly, I think instead of celebrating me, we were and are really celebrating “we”.

I used to have a very individualistic understanding of life, including in how I took pride in “my” work and “my” efforts and “my” accomplishments. I felt as though “my” time was just that – mine – and that how I chose to spend it and what impact these choices had was largely my own business. Looking back, I realize that truly time and accomplishments were never really only my own – every moment is a gift from the LORD, as are any talents or resources that I may have. And from the time I was small what I did was only made possible by the love and support of family and friends. Yet I often failed to realize my need of others, and became overly focused on my ability to choose and to do.

Just how much of an illusion the idea of “my” time and efforts and accomplishments is – and really always was – has become evident to me in such tangible ways since becoming married and linking my life to that of my husband’s, and even more so since having a baby. With each day that passes, I realize increasingly clearly that whatever I do requires sacrifice and means that I am not doing something else – and that this has large implications for those closest to me, especially my husband and toddler. Motherhood is also incredibly humbling, in that I realize quickly and often the limits of my own capabilities and energies and efforts, and repeatedly learn that I can really only “accomplish” anything with the support of loved ones and by grace of God.

I am so grateful I have a husband who loves me so well and so generously, and a toddler who has been so flexible. The completion of my licensure hours is all the more meaningful to me since it is such a tangible reminder of all of the love and care and support of those I love most dearly – my husband and toddler as well as so many other family members, friends, teachers, mentors, and supervisors. I am so thankful my husband and I can celebrate this milestone together while continuing to be on this adventure of life with one another and striving to love one another well. As I believe is true in most of life, I find accomplishment is sweetest when shared and made possible in the context of meaningful relationship.